Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Bitter Bloggings from an Optimistic Actress: Coping

"You're not a nice person, I hate nice people.  You're a real person, and that's a different world.  Real people are legitimately kind, as opposed to being kind because people tell them they should."
-Adam York

I wrote a screenplay a few years ago.  A script for a TV series, and I had no idea it would actually happen to me so soon.  In it, an older woman does an aggressive audition for a part.  The audience sees her superior audition, and then they see who got the part.  It's never mentioned why the other girl is cast.  There is speculation.  In the end, the performance would have been better had they cast the older woman, however she is not cast.  In fact the entire series is a satire on how casting directors and other directors lack enough vision to hire the correct people and are destroying the fine art of film-making as a result.

Let's be clear, as I always am.  Just because you were the best audition does not mean you will get the part.  I repeat.  THE BEST AUDITION DOES NOT NET YOU THE PART.  You may take your audition another way, if the casting director doesn't like the way you take it, you've lost the part.  You may speak it exactly like the director hears it in their head, if you don't "look like the character" you are out of luck.

Is it fair?  No.  Is it right?  No.  It's the worst possible thing that can happen to the film world.  Bad casting.  My boyfriend and I have long discussions about how casting directors lack vision and can only see as far as this image in their heads.  This is what this person is supposed to look like, so this person will be cast over someone who may have given a better audition.  It's life.  I hate it.

Twice a year I cry for the parts I have lost.  It's my time to mourn.  Yes, I am selfish.  I think other people think occasionally like I do.  You get so connected to a character that those few minutes are not enough.  You have this life inside of you for this particular role.  You know no one will ever do it like you will, and later on you are convinced, due to the fact that you somehow see the film, that you would have done better.  But there is nothing you can do.  The director made their choice and they may or may not be happy with it.  But yeah, you would have been better.

A part of you dies when you lose a part.  It shrivels painfully inside you, and, depending on how much you wanted it, it will hurt more or less.  But it's never painless.  Sometimes it's a simple, oh well, I spent my time auditioning for a part I didn't want anyways, so no big.  It's simply the loss of the time.

But sometimes you connect to part so deeply simply by the words you can't let it go.  You know this person better than anyone.  And when you don't get it....

It hurts.  It's like drowning.  Seriously, someone just ripped your intestines out through your throat.

It's not every part but just those certain parts that you want so badly you would cut yourself off at the knee and dye your hair purple for.  I have lost several auditions for those types of parts this year and a few weeks ago, in my boyfriends living room, I broke down and cried for one of those parts.  Cried for hours.  And I don't just cry for any part.

Yeah, my boyfriend tried to console me.  But really this is one of those parts I will never get over I don't think.  There is really only one other part I will never get over.

Did it do any good to cry?  Yes.  No.  Maybe.  My only hope is the other actress they do hire is enough of a pain they will say, wow we should have hired this other person.  Will that happen?  Probably not.  But a girl can dream.  Even if the other actress is a pain directors and casting directors don't deal in regret.  We are left to do that.

What if I had done it differently.  What if I had completely altered myself for it?  Would it have done anything?  Probably not.  But don't think for a second I don't wonder, what if?