Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Confessions of a G-list Actress:My Face

***WARNING:THIS IS NOT A PORN***
Now that I have your attention, saddened though you may be, welcome!


Every once in a while I wonder how I got here and I think...Oh yeah.  I auditioned a few months ago with a good friend who is shooting this film too.  Actually my roommate at the time, an actor, wouldn't audition with me and I had to borrow a friend who lived an hour away. He was reading so well I sent in a video of him and we both ended up getting the part.  Funny old world aint it?
So, last Tuesday, or maybe it was a month ago I don't know anymore, I packed a bunch of clothes and drove my butt to Raleigh to pick up a friend.  We transferred everything from my car to his and drove to Southport, NC.  My absolute favorite bit of Oceanic Real Estate.  It's quiet, so low key.  We spent the night at the Hampton Inn and I woke up early to get some food.  We went to the coffee shop and watched the world go by until around 4pm.
Myrtle Beach, I will be honest, is not my favorite spit of sand.  I find it crowded.
We got there in time to meet the director, Ken.  The sound guy Brian.  The DP and his assistant Danny and Angela.  They let him try on the mask he was supposed to wear, which was a very realistic and fairly creepy.  Ok, exceptionally creepy, and by the end of the film lovingly dubbed Caspar Von Douche.  In order to get the darn thing on, because it almost literally fits on like a head condom, kinda snug, you have to pour baby powder inside, put both hands in, open the neck, and quickly slip it on, making sure the nose and mouth are on yours.  Suffocation is not fun I hear.  From those who tried it on they said it was like being a scuba diver.
Even stranger, it molds to the face it's on.  This made it hard to look at at times.  The mask not only bore a creepy resemblance to a few exes I never want to think of again, but, it was totally devoid of emotion.  And I have to be turned on by it.  Quick note; Honestly, if a man ever looked that bored while we were in the middle of the wiggle-wiggle-ding-ding (FAMILY MATTERS REFERENCE) I would be so offended I would leave.  In order to make the mouth open at all you have to hyper extend your jaw.  Really I never knew how much the human face expressed until I saw a good friend in a mask that hijacked all emotion.  Often times when it was off I would wrap both arms around the familiar face and cry out, familiar face!  But that is neither here nor there.
To explain, Miles is playing Josh.  Josh is a nice guy who meets a girl (Me AKA Lacie) and falls in love.  She just isn't horny for him.  Rather than taking things sitting down Josh makes a mask at work (where he apparently makes bank working for a costume shop) which he then wears so they can have sex.  It works for a while but Lacie can't take it anymore and when she can't get intimate with him without the mask he leaves and sleeps with some random girl named Sue and after their conversation I suppose he realizes he's still in love with Lacie an he goes to her house to find her mid-coitus with some guy.  She is not into it and when she sees Josh in the window with the mask on it gets her going, but not as much as when he takes the mask off.  We talked about call times and Ken and Brian went back to Ken's house.
Miles and I got clean, went to the Boardwalk and went on the Sky Coaster.  I will admit I was a little too childishly in love with the idea.  Once on, I suddenly realized exactly how high up we were.  I have never been afraid of heights or small spaces, but I will admit the clash of the two made me sweat a little.  The view was spectacular and totally worth it.  We had meant to eat with Angela and Danny and unfortunately they had a really long walk to the meeting spot and so by the time they got there we had almost eaten.  We waited and talked and had a nice time getting to know one another and went back to the hotel to sleep.
Wake up, go to Ken's, fix my face, strip down to a pair of boxer briefs and a tape on bra and wait.  Then, lay on my back while Miles dons the mask and we fake the horizontal tango for about an hour, me trying so hard not to laugh out of sheer terror.  Me laughing to myself between takes due to Miles making me laugh and the fact the mask is just so dang freaky.  The day goes by pretty well.  Behind the location (director's house) there is a creek full of turtles and ducks for us to watch during breaks.
When the mask is off it's placed on the kitchen table to terrify anyone who catches it out of the corner of the eye.  And what made it weirder, every time that the mask was removed it looked like someone with a serious clown fetish was wandering the streets because of all the baby powder required to put the mask on so he wouldn't sweat himself to death.
One scene in particular on day 1 was kinda funny to shoot.  I have kissed many things I am not turned on by but this was a new experience.  I cannot stress exactly how creepy this would actually be to try in real life and if you happen to be into realistic masks for those purposes, I know someone who will sell you one for a price.  Not only could I not slip the tongue to the man behind the mask (because you kinda gotta when you can) but no matter the angle, the head tilt would not allow for any air to go into the nose or mouth.  If Lacie kissed the mask, then Josh was holding his breath the whole time.  So there we are trying to take a shot, me trying to make sure that when I attacked this freak of nature, because Lacie is so turned on, the person wearing the monstrosity doesn't die of suffocation in the process.  In fact, on the last shot he hit the floor in a joking fashion and I was sure he'd passed out.
We get as many shots as we can at the directors house, and it takes all day.  In between we all sit and watch the shots, totally engrossed in how absolutely awesome it looks.  Kudos to Danny and Angela.  They were so awesome and amazing.
First day we did have this running gag about batman.  "Where were the other *insert item* going?"  "Where was the other frame going?"  "Where was the other kiss going?"  "Where were the other shots going?"
 
One more shot on day one and it's the middle of the night.  Ken, Danny(DP), Brian(Sound Guy) and Miles step out, while Angela and I try to reorganize things.  Ken's dad shows up at the house and I will admit, I am in love.  I have an addiction to european accents and he's so very nice.  Ken, if you ever read this...your dad is awesome!  He's a very nice UK gentleman and we have a lovely chat, me a little punchy at the day/nights activities, and the fact it's almost 1 am.
Sleep.   Wake up late on day 2.  Another day.  More shots, more clothing changes, more sweat.
We get to the house that is supposed to be Lacie's, and it is amazing.  We shoot a few scenes that night, and after a while we notice a few vulgar mouthed little 8 year olds are running round watching what is going on.  They stop on their bikes and stare.  On of the children, I will be frank, I wanted to find his mother and slap her once for the language coming from her kid's mouth.  I don't care if they hear it from their friends, find a better place for them to be.  No little while boy should use any of the language he used.  It was really starting to sound like an episode of the Boondocks.  Cars drive by and stare through the window at 2 college students making out.  It's exciting the first few times but after a while it gets annoying.   Really folks, you haven't watched enough movies that you know when there are lights and a guy holding a thick stack of paper standing next to a guy with another thick stack of paper and a camera there is a film going on?
So day three we stop at the coffee shop.  It's awesome.  We have pictures.  We have laughs, and we meet the other man in Lacie's film life.  This guy is named Gerald, played by Bo, and were I 16, he would be my teenage dream.  Yeah, Bo's a good looking guy and a nice fella.  Josh and Lacie fight.  Poor Josh.  Lacie picks up a guy who is good looking.  You go Girl!  Then we go to the costume shop where I watch Miles act.  I do fall asleep half way through, on a table.  It's an adorable photo, trust me, and proof I can sleep anywhere since it was on the cutting table in a costume shop.  Basically a large piece of plywood on a frame with muslin over it.  We then have to do more shots where we are eaten alive by bugs in the night.
One more day and by 3 we are done.  And I weep with joy because it happened, and sadness because it's over.  Oh that road home is always so long.

Yet another day I wish I could write melody

There was the smile I needed today
The smell of fond memories so far away
Where did that summer go?
A voice so familiar tickles the ear
And trips light through the eyes you sing of so dear
Where did that summer go?

Tears have been cried
Life has been lived