Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Unrequited Love

I got to thinking about Final Fantasy today.  Specifically number 8.  I specifically love the sad love story of Julia and Leguna.
For those not familiar with the story it's very simple.  Leguna is a soldier in the army and every evening he and his buddies go to a hotel where there is a bar.  In this bar is a piano player named Julia.  Leguna comes every night to see her play and in the story, he finally talks to her.  Not knowing she had noticed him coming in night after night he almost doesn't go up to her room when she invites him.  They get to talking and, in the short time they are together, they fall in love.  He is called away suddenly, promising to come back to hear her sing.  He never does.
He is injured and when he finally could go and find her she has gotten married and written a lovely song about her lost love.  She dies in a car crash a few years later.  All the while Leguna has gotten married to another woman.  Both have children and through their children they are together.
I love tragic love stories.  When two people love one another so much and can't be together.  Somehow by the distance and the love they still care for one another.
Probably why I liked Michelle so much.  She was unable to ever be with Jake, but she loved him.
I have a love for the tragic.  Sadness, tears.  I hope when people in heaven leave to go wherever you go in heaven...I hope I can miss them.  I hope it won't be sinful to cry in heaven.  Is sadness really a sin.  Missing someone?  Wanting to be with someone?
Perhaps that is why I have loved Darren Hayes music.  It' so tragic.  Probably why Jason Pomar always appeals.  His music is tragic.  I have a love for the melancholy.  For wanting something, for needing.  That moment when you want to hold onto someone until they become a part of you.  It's part of the artist in me.  It's why no one ends up together in my plays or films.  I like leaving that longing and need.    God, I suppose, has a great deal of longing.  He doesn't need us.  He wants us.  It's not a sin to want is it?  It is a sin to want something more than you want God, but is God's nature not that of want?  The whole history of man and God is one of God wanting to talk to us, to be with us, to want us to need him.  Even when we are most successful it's not perfect.  If God's love is limitless, is not his want for us to be with him the same.  That want was not a flaw.  It was something he put in us.  A hunger.  A need for fulfillment that will only be satiated in death and rebirth with him.  He was lonely when he created us.  God was lonely.  If God is perfect and he was lonely, then loneliness can't be a sin.  Longing, can't be, so long as is doesn't destroy you or others.
That's where we as people haven't gotten it right.  To accept the longing and go on with life.  It consumes, destroys.  That's where the sin is.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Today is a day for vapor trails...

Wow.  So...note to self.  Apparently me and steroids don't mix at all.  They make me crazier.

Goodbye Michelle

I watched the last episode of "Is This It?" and wept when Jake lost Michelle.  I just miss the people.  They were great to work with and it can be easy to miss people.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Love in a time of madness...

So with 6 films to shoot before the end of the year I find myself having a lot of trouble just relaxing.  I know I talk about it...lots, but I love love.  I love the feeling.  I love the butterflies.  I love dreams about someone.  Kisses.  Hugs.
I think the hardest thing for me to deal with is expressing it sometimes.  Not so much to people who know, but people who don't.  Or maybe people who know who just don't prioritize like I do.
I do tend, these days, to dream of people.  And in these dreams, though some are so similar, people I care about are cads, villains and fiends.  Why?  I suppose so I can feel better about not admitting to certain things.
For example, I dreamt two very good guy friends were trying to sleep with me over a bet to see who could sleep with the most women.  Would either of them do this?  I hope not.  But still I have found it difficult to think of them as men as nice as they are.
I am in love world, and in like.  There are so many hands my hand is aching to hold.  Now if only I could bite the bullet and tell a few of them.
I do find it funny.  Most guys who think I like them, are actually way off.  I may be the queen of obvious, but apparently I can't express the right attraction to the right person.  Or maybe they can't read anything.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


Wow!  Almost mid-august already!  Lots of filming to do in September.  Too bad most of it is a lot of driving for no money.  Oh well.  Least I get it for my reel and the footage should be AWESOME!

I give up. After years of avoiding I am going to make the attempt on California.  Am I scared?  Totally. California is very expensive.  Am I excited?  More so than I am scared thankfully.  I have a few good friends and a lot of good connections and some great acquaintances out there.

Going to go there in December with a good friend for a visit. He also has given up on possibly not going to give California and the dream life a shot.  He's a good guy and hopefully won't mind me almost tearing his arm from it's socket when the plane takes off.

To bad there are so many expensive things I need to get first:
1)New Computer
2)Hair Extensions
3)Insanity(the workout video)
4)Health Insurance
5)Dentist Appointment
6)Dermatologist Appointment
7)Bar School

Not to mention rent.

Most importantly I suppose is a doctor's appointment since I seem to be suffering from MAJOR brain fog.  It's debilitating.  I am afraid I will drop a tray at the restaurant or cut off my finger at the fabric shop.  So it's to the Doctor for me.  Hopefully working 12 hours a day will mean enough money to keep going and get through the crazy life I hope to lead.

It's hard going but I am used to being worked to near exhaustion.  Here's to at least half a year of being over worked and slightly under paid.  Hope it all works out.  Hate that I might have to take a day or two off to get better but if I can I can keep working through the madness.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Throwing stones at a Chick-fil-a

When Jesus judged people, he was not unkind.  He was polite.  If the judgement did not sit right with them, he only spoke the truth and walked away.
When Rosa Parks was told to move for a white woman and she didn't.  She was facing injustice.  She didn't tell the folks on the bus to go respectively self fornicate.  She was polite in her refusal.
A group of young men sit in a drugstore for their rights as people.  They did not curse the people who were there or call them stupid or bigoted.  Nor did they pity them.  They simply sat.
Where is all this hate coming from LGTB.  You keep touting how much better you are and how cruelly you are treated.  But today, when people stood up for something you turned and spat in the face of your "oppressors".  Does this make you better.  No.  It makes you bullies.  All this hating on people who bought Chick-fil-a today.  "I hope you die."  How cruel and unloving.  You are doing the exact thing you claim is being done to you.