Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Confessions of a G-List Actress: I Hate Myself For Loving You

So here it is.  Long short and in-between; and I think about 50% of the actors here will agree with me and the other 50% are either lying to themselves or always succeed.

I HATE AUDITIONS!  They are the bane of my existence, they are time-consuming and they, more often than not, end in failure.

Oh, I put on the big smile and walk confidently into the audition room thoroughly prepared to do exactly what is necessary, often times more.  I smile, genuinely happy to see the people in the room as I perform for them, basically begging for a job.  Like clockwork, I do everything I am supposed to do.  I often times go way beyond what is expected of me.  What do I hate?  The waiting.

Take yesterday.  I drive a little over an hour, with my boyfriend, to a theater I have been auditioning for well over five years and have never booked yet.  What can I say?  I am a glutton for punishment.  The whole way my body is shaking and spasming like I am about to ascend to 30000 feet with a 90% chance the plane will fall from the sky.

We get there early.  I go in and they know who I am.  Yay!  They remembered me or are at least faking it effectively.  I have been going over lines in my head for the past three days.  I got the sides over a week ago, but I have had little time to memorize.  I was in the middle of 4 days of rehearsal for 2 days of show I needed to get through.  Thankfully the show was short but this means that I really couldn't look at my sides like I should until Sunday night.  This because my brain has now reached capacity and can no longer take information without throwing something away.  I didn't need that memory anyway.

I sign in and prepare as best I can.  I have most of the lines down and really only have to look down once or twice to my cheat sheet.  I think I may have been there a total of three minutes when they call me into the room.  "Whenever you're ready."  They always say whenever you're ready.  Like someone is going to say, I need another five and make the people in the room wait.  They never have to wait.  No one ever asks for a moment.  But what would happen if I was like, "No I am not ready.  I may never be ready."

I step inside and they have me read scene one once and scene two twice.  Here is a question?  When you have a seated reader, why do you always pick the scene with the most aggressive activity? My character being dragged, pulled, yanked, lifted, thrown.  All these things and I can't even show my physical comedic prowess because I am reading with someone who is sitting.  We go through scene one and, honestly, I think it was a bust.  Horrible, terrible, worst ever.  Looking back it wasn't that bad.  But once again, a scene with several physical gags and I can't do a one of them because I can't touch the person I am reading with.

Scene two, ok scene two.  Scene two was much better.  I figure at this point, well, you aren't going to hire me so I might as well make you miserable that you aren't going to.  They actually had me read it twice, and to be frank, I NAILED IT both times.  They gave me some notes and we had some fun.   They laughed the entire time.

They ask me to wait.  They had sent someone important home.  Ok, well I can stay as late as you need.  This is a good sign right?  I am not losing my mind?  I am not going crazy.  I think you really like me.

They call my boyfriend in while I wait.  I can hear him talking on the other side.  The wall is very thin.  They ask him to do it again.  I listen.  It's good, really good.  They thank him and send him out.

They send another girl in.  The part I read for is the only available female role, and of the people called today, most of them were women.

I wait and listen.  I admit, I thought to myself, Oh I am way better than this girl.  She exits and they do not ask her to stay and give her the runaround.  We all know the runaround.  "We don't need to see anymore.  Thank you for your time.  If we are interested you should hear from us in "x" number of days."  It always says online, a callback does not guarantee a role, and not getting a callback does not mean we will not hire you.  We all know this statement is a lie.  Without a callback you aren't getting a part.  And even with a callback they likely already know, in their mind, who they want.

I wait a bit and the person they called in stops.  He remembers my boyfriend and may remember me.  I am not sure.  If nothing else he is searching.  We talk to him a moment and they call me in.  I go through both scenes.  They seemed excited, or at least that might be the case, as I am not sure since I could only see the reader at this point and I am trying to remember the notes they gave me.  They say thank you and I leave.  Smiling and nodding like a nun with concussion on my way out.  I barely am out the door when they ask if I have a normal job that might interfere, and I say no.  "You don't have a 9-5?"  "I bartend for a place in Durham, but when I have to go I give them notice and say, I'll be back in a month."  "Ok thanks."

I ask the woman I was reading with, "Are there callbacks?"

"Well we saw what we were looking for, for the most part, yesterday, and since it was like that we are only calling back one person, otherwise you'll be hearing from us eventually."  Is that bull?  Are you telling me the truth?  What is going on?!

The whole way home my brain is screaming , "Did I get the part?  Did I get the part?  Wouldn't they have given it to me there?  Am I hired?  Am I not?  Somebody, please tell me if I have the gig or not so I can figure life out!  Please!"

And now I wait!