Friday, December 14, 2012

Friday, November 16, 2012

Apocalypse Live: Something of Imp-ortance

4.
Hopelessness.  Panic.  Pain.  If only these simple words could describe the anguish and torment of existence.  Simple existence was like constant drowning in a pool of acid.  It ached to breath, to eat, to walk and yet that pain was smothered by the heartache and longing of something more, something he'd never known and never would.
Yet when his smallish nose drank in the sweetest hint of something not of darkness and dread it became obsession.  Not to destroy it, not to possess it, but to know it.  Red fur, if you could call it that, bristled in anticipation to see what it was that seemed to momentarily lift the burden from his small shoulders.  Yes, Frederick P Imp was desirous of it, whatever it was.  He didn't know words like good, clean, and wholesome, and yet the air he brought in through his rabbit like nose was gloriously hinted with the hideous taint of good.

It had taken days to find the source.  A place so near the edge of the pit he'd nearly missed it.

Oblivion, total and complete, lay in the pit.  That abyss.  The lake of fire.  A fire that burned so hot it consumed even the light.  Yet somehow a moment of complete bliss wrapped itself inside his sinus so delectably, he ventured to the edge.

Frederick's claws gripped the edge tightly, digging into the rock as he scratched his way around the lip. There was no telling where the fire began, but the consuming heat melted skin to rock.  He had to tread quickly or risk fusing with the edge.  Thankfully his resolve ebbed the physical pain just enough to make his way ahead.

He knew it was close, but as he came within grasp of the source, he heard something unexpected.  Voices.

"Melchiresa!"
--------------------------

Evan peeled the bloody rag from his hand.  How had he not bled out yet? The neon biohazard bag sloshed with his bodily fluid, and somehow he still lived, albeit oozing.

Rayne was down the hall.  Somewhere.  They hadn't bothered to tell him where she'd be.  Probably best since she'd died five times from her home to the hospital.   She was dying on a loop.  Her heart would stop, and he'd miss her long enough to hear her voice crying in his head.  She'd then sit straight up, vomit and punch someone in the face while making a rude remark.

Hardly a polite thing to do since they had saved her.  She should choose to live or stay dead.  Evan's nerves couldn't take it if she passed out and had to be brought back again.  What were the odds of it working so often?

His thoughts were interrupted by the doctor coming in with a needle and thread on a tray as well as a waiver.

"Hi!"  The doctor smiled too cheerfully.  "Normally I don't do this but we seem to have a rash of illness and to speed this along Judy is going to take care of you.  She's a resident and the best we have but I still have to observe."

Evan smiled, "Fine.  It's just really annoying, all the bleeding is..."

"Hi!"  Judy interrupted him with a warm smile.  "Let's get you in and out shall we?"

Evan hardly new what to say.  She was adorable.  Her scrubs didn't hide her curvaceous figure in the least and her brown hair flipped flirtatiously around her ear just before she began to slowly wash her hands.  The blush quickly started at his toes and wormed the way up his leg.  This was going to be complicated.
------------------------------

The morning had come far to quickly for Brooks.

Alex was cold and stayed bundled tightly in bed.  With no fever and a madden rush on hospital beds, they wouldn't see her for days.  She had sent him off with a quick kiss on the cheek before she rushed for her cotton and woolen sanctuary.

Brooks scratched the scalp under his short brown hair in an effort to wake himself from the concern at the back of his mind.  He was in class after all and needed to concentrate.  The ice bucket around his feet was keeping him cooler than he would have been, but was quickly turning into a bucket of warm water.

The college was open to students who were willing and able to brave the elements.  The doors didn't dare close; what else was there to do?  Almost no stores, save those offering food, were open due to the outlandish weather.  The studious would come in for their degree, the others would sit indoors watching television and drinking up the money their parents so willingly paid.  It was just a normal day.

"Brooks!"  Mr. McClure broke the silence.  The five student who had braved the weather stared.

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to leave?  You seem out of sorts."

"I'm sorry, it's just really hot in here."

"It's fifty degrees.  Are you still sick?"  The professor straightened his glasses with a gloved hand.

"No sir," Brooks replied.  "I am feeling better, just really hot."  The other students moaned their chilled discomfort.  "But there is no need to turn the heat down.  I'll take care of it."

"Be quick!"

----------------------------

Rayne bit her lip waiting for the other line to pick up.  The phone rang far too loudly for the night she had been through.

Her chest hurt, the light was to bright, her brain ached and everyone seemed to be shouting through the walls.  Hundreds of people shouting for the doctor.

"Hello?"  Rayne was so happy to hear her mother's frantic southern twang.  "Hello?!"

"Mom!"

"RAYNE?  Hello?  Are you okay?  We'll obviously you're ok!  We haven't heard from you in days, almost a week.  We were getting worried."  Rayne shouted to drown out the noise.

"Mom, it hasn't been days," she laughed.  "I called you yesterday.  And we talked for hours."  Rayne felt a moment of grief at the thought of her mother getting old.  She envisioned a feeble woman with a walker.  It looked too much like her mother for Rayne to laugh.

"Hello?  Rayne.  You did not.  You called me Friday and it's almost Friday again."  Rayne looked pensively at her cellphone.  Wednesday flashed in the bottom corner.  She had called her mother on Tuesday.  

Maybe mom's busy.  We all forget the days sometimes.  "How is Hillary?"

"She's fine.  She has a new boyfriend.  Is there a delay. It's taking a long time to hear you speak.  Hello?"

"Maybe there is-"

"Rayne?  We'll I guess--oh there you are."

"Bad connection."

-------------------------------------------

Frederick's tiny eyes drank the army that lay before him.  Thousands of demons and fallen angels prepped and seething to escape.   At the head of the army, standing on a ledge not a hundred feet up, was the Watcher.

Many watchers had guarded humanity during the early days.  Then came the fall from heaven.  Some had fallen victim to the seduction of human kind.  Some had been teachers of foul things.  And yet all who fell found themselves staring into the void, pain and loss of total love.

The Watcher was none of these.   He couldn't have been.  No smeck of humanity permeated like with the others.  He may have been the first, but none knew, and those who might have were beyond the hope of even this place.

The Watcher.  Melchiresa.  He was a sight to see; slender and serpent like.  His skin, like scales, flashed colors unknown to human eyes and yet was as dull and dim as the blackness that surrounded him.  His eyes were a total void.  Archdemon.  Warrior.  Seducer.

Infront of the Watcher was a haze of not dark.  (Frederick had heard of this mysterious light, but never actually seen it.  Or maybe he didn't remember.)  Melchiresa had to squint against the thickening mass of brilliance in front of him.  Something flashed against the scale like skin and flickered.

Frederick stalled in awe at this sight.  He'd never seen an archdemon before.  It was...

Pain!  Frederick finally moved and flesh was rent from his foot.  He couldn't stop to cry out, lest someone notice.  It would heal, and quickly.  He already felt the raw nerves reattaching and the skin growing.  Even healing was painful.  He had to look away and just listen.  Demons had been meant for heaven so there had been no need for a pituitary glad.  Boy could he have used one now.  A few endorphins would have really hit the spot for his aching limb.

"We stand upon the blood slicked precipice.  We are a hair's breadth from shedding the bonds we have held so long and stepping into true freedom.  Freedom from Lucifer.  Freedom from Him.  Alone we are strong, together, stronger."

There was no way the Watcher and his army were going to let Frederick near that shining thing.  He was going to have to find another way.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Quick Post.

Today was exhausting in that wonderful way.  Woke up to see a friendly face on it's way to work.  Laughed because I can.  Got up late. Went to an interview or two.  Did a show.  Saw a shooting star.  Talked to God.  Got home, hugged my dog, and then I did the stupid thing.

Had to, don't know why, but had to look up my ex and then all the longing came back.  Just a picture, nothing more.  And every good feeling I had about being with him and the short life we had as one person all came together as one mess of "I WANT HIM BACK!"

Why are we so attached to people who don't care about us enough to stay?


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Confessions of a G-list Actress:My Face

***WARNING:THIS IS NOT A PORN***
Now that I have your attention, saddened though you may be, welcome!


Every once in a while I wonder how I got here and I think...Oh yeah.  I auditioned a few months ago with a good friend who is shooting this film too.  Actually my roommate at the time, an actor, wouldn't audition with me and I had to borrow a friend who lived an hour away. He was reading so well I sent in a video of him and we both ended up getting the part.  Funny old world aint it?
So, last Tuesday, or maybe it was a month ago I don't know anymore, I packed a bunch of clothes and drove my butt to Raleigh to pick up a friend.  We transferred everything from my car to his and drove to Southport, NC.  My absolute favorite bit of Oceanic Real Estate.  It's quiet, so low key.  We spent the night at the Hampton Inn and I woke up early to get some food.  We went to the coffee shop and watched the world go by until around 4pm.
Myrtle Beach, I will be honest, is not my favorite spit of sand.  I find it crowded.
We got there in time to meet the director, Ken.  The sound guy Brian.  The DP and his assistant Danny and Angela.  They let him try on the mask he was supposed to wear, which was a very realistic and fairly creepy.  Ok, exceptionally creepy, and by the end of the film lovingly dubbed Caspar Von Douche.  In order to get the darn thing on, because it almost literally fits on like a head condom, kinda snug, you have to pour baby powder inside, put both hands in, open the neck, and quickly slip it on, making sure the nose and mouth are on yours.  Suffocation is not fun I hear.  From those who tried it on they said it was like being a scuba diver.
Even stranger, it molds to the face it's on.  This made it hard to look at at times.  The mask not only bore a creepy resemblance to a few exes I never want to think of again, but, it was totally devoid of emotion.  And I have to be turned on by it.  Quick note; Honestly, if a man ever looked that bored while we were in the middle of the wiggle-wiggle-ding-ding (FAMILY MATTERS REFERENCE) I would be so offended I would leave.  In order to make the mouth open at all you have to hyper extend your jaw.  Really I never knew how much the human face expressed until I saw a good friend in a mask that hijacked all emotion.  Often times when it was off I would wrap both arms around the familiar face and cry out, familiar face!  But that is neither here nor there.
To explain, Miles is playing Josh.  Josh is a nice guy who meets a girl (Me AKA Lacie) and falls in love.  She just isn't horny for him.  Rather than taking things sitting down Josh makes a mask at work (where he apparently makes bank working for a costume shop) which he then wears so they can have sex.  It works for a while but Lacie can't take it anymore and when she can't get intimate with him without the mask he leaves and sleeps with some random girl named Sue and after their conversation I suppose he realizes he's still in love with Lacie an he goes to her house to find her mid-coitus with some guy.  She is not into it and when she sees Josh in the window with the mask on it gets her going, but not as much as when he takes the mask off.  We talked about call times and Ken and Brian went back to Ken's house.
Miles and I got clean, went to the Boardwalk and went on the Sky Coaster.  I will admit I was a little too childishly in love with the idea.  Once on, I suddenly realized exactly how high up we were.  I have never been afraid of heights or small spaces, but I will admit the clash of the two made me sweat a little.  The view was spectacular and totally worth it.  We had meant to eat with Angela and Danny and unfortunately they had a really long walk to the meeting spot and so by the time they got there we had almost eaten.  We waited and talked and had a nice time getting to know one another and went back to the hotel to sleep.
Wake up, go to Ken's, fix my face, strip down to a pair of boxer briefs and a tape on bra and wait.  Then, lay on my back while Miles dons the mask and we fake the horizontal tango for about an hour, me trying so hard not to laugh out of sheer terror.  Me laughing to myself between takes due to Miles making me laugh and the fact the mask is just so dang freaky.  The day goes by pretty well.  Behind the location (director's house) there is a creek full of turtles and ducks for us to watch during breaks.
When the mask is off it's placed on the kitchen table to terrify anyone who catches it out of the corner of the eye.  And what made it weirder, every time that the mask was removed it looked like someone with a serious clown fetish was wandering the streets because of all the baby powder required to put the mask on so he wouldn't sweat himself to death.
One scene in particular on day 1 was kinda funny to shoot.  I have kissed many things I am not turned on by but this was a new experience.  I cannot stress exactly how creepy this would actually be to try in real life and if you happen to be into realistic masks for those purposes, I know someone who will sell you one for a price.  Not only could I not slip the tongue to the man behind the mask (because you kinda gotta when you can) but no matter the angle, the head tilt would not allow for any air to go into the nose or mouth.  If Lacie kissed the mask, then Josh was holding his breath the whole time.  So there we are trying to take a shot, me trying to make sure that when I attacked this freak of nature, because Lacie is so turned on, the person wearing the monstrosity doesn't die of suffocation in the process.  In fact, on the last shot he hit the floor in a joking fashion and I was sure he'd passed out.
We get as many shots as we can at the directors house, and it takes all day.  In between we all sit and watch the shots, totally engrossed in how absolutely awesome it looks.  Kudos to Danny and Angela.  They were so awesome and amazing.
First day we did have this running gag about batman.  "Where were the other *insert item* going?"  "Where was the other frame going?"  "Where was the other kiss going?"  "Where were the other shots going?"
 
One more shot on day one and it's the middle of the night.  Ken, Danny(DP), Brian(Sound Guy) and Miles step out, while Angela and I try to reorganize things.  Ken's dad shows up at the house and I will admit, I am in love.  I have an addiction to european accents and he's so very nice.  Ken, if you ever read this...your dad is awesome!  He's a very nice UK gentleman and we have a lovely chat, me a little punchy at the day/nights activities, and the fact it's almost 1 am.
Sleep.   Wake up late on day 2.  Another day.  More shots, more clothing changes, more sweat.
We get to the house that is supposed to be Lacie's, and it is amazing.  We shoot a few scenes that night, and after a while we notice a few vulgar mouthed little 8 year olds are running round watching what is going on.  They stop on their bikes and stare.  On of the children, I will be frank, I wanted to find his mother and slap her once for the language coming from her kid's mouth.  I don't care if they hear it from their friends, find a better place for them to be.  No little while boy should use any of the language he used.  It was really starting to sound like an episode of the Boondocks.  Cars drive by and stare through the window at 2 college students making out.  It's exciting the first few times but after a while it gets annoying.   Really folks, you haven't watched enough movies that you know when there are lights and a guy holding a thick stack of paper standing next to a guy with another thick stack of paper and a camera there is a film going on?
So day three we stop at the coffee shop.  It's awesome.  We have pictures.  We have laughs, and we meet the other man in Lacie's film life.  This guy is named Gerald, played by Bo, and were I 16, he would be my teenage dream.  Yeah, Bo's a good looking guy and a nice fella.  Josh and Lacie fight.  Poor Josh.  Lacie picks up a guy who is good looking.  You go Girl!  Then we go to the costume shop where I watch Miles act.  I do fall asleep half way through, on a table.  It's an adorable photo, trust me, and proof I can sleep anywhere since it was on the cutting table in a costume shop.  Basically a large piece of plywood on a frame with muslin over it.  We then have to do more shots where we are eaten alive by bugs in the night.
One more day and by 3 we are done.  And I weep with joy because it happened, and sadness because it's over.  Oh that road home is always so long.

Yet another day I wish I could write melody

There was the smile I needed today
The smell of fond memories so far away
Where did that summer go?
A voice so familiar tickles the ear
And trips light through the eyes you sing of so dear
Where did that summer go?

Tears have been cried
Life has been lived

Monday, September 3, 2012

Racing the Clock.

At this moment I am staring at the 4% battery life on the macintosh in my lap saying...I can totally get this in before it dies entirely.
Ever googled yourself?  I do all the time and I have to laugh because at this moment I am more popular than the other Lilly Nelson in San Fran.  Huzzah!  Sorry other Lilly.
Tomorrow I have to either get done with lunch early or speed pack to race down to Raleigh.  Why? Because I have a film to shoot.  Praise the lord and pass the ammunition I get to work on a film.  I get all giddy and stressed and spazzy about it.  YAY film work.  Too bad it's going to take money from my California fund, but I get to put it back later.
Felt bad because I couldn't see my oldest and best not family friend this past weekend.  It was just too long.  1% battery life.  L8r!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Unrequited Love

I got to thinking about Final Fantasy today.  Specifically number 8.  I specifically love the sad love story of Julia and Leguna.
For those not familiar with the story it's very simple.  Leguna is a soldier in the army and every evening he and his buddies go to a hotel where there is a bar.  In this bar is a piano player named Julia.  Leguna comes every night to see her play and in the story, he finally talks to her.  Not knowing she had noticed him coming in night after night he almost doesn't go up to her room when she invites him.  They get to talking and, in the short time they are together, they fall in love.  He is called away suddenly, promising to come back to hear her sing.  He never does.
He is injured and when he finally could go and find her she has gotten married and written a lovely song about her lost love.  She dies in a car crash a few years later.  All the while Leguna has gotten married to another woman.  Both have children and through their children they are together.
I love tragic love stories.  When two people love one another so much and can't be together.  Somehow by the distance and the love they still care for one another.
Probably why I liked Michelle so much.  She was unable to ever be with Jake, but she loved him.
I have a love for the tragic.  Sadness, tears.  I hope when people in heaven leave to go wherever you go in heaven...I hope I can miss them.  I hope it won't be sinful to cry in heaven.  Is sadness really a sin.  Missing someone?  Wanting to be with someone?
Perhaps that is why I have loved Darren Hayes music.  It' so tragic.  Probably why Jason Pomar always appeals.  His music is tragic.  I have a love for the melancholy.  For wanting something, for needing.  That moment when you want to hold onto someone until they become a part of you.  It's part of the artist in me.  It's why no one ends up together in my plays or films.  I like leaving that longing and need.    God, I suppose, has a great deal of longing.  He doesn't need us.  He wants us.  It's not a sin to want is it?  It is a sin to want something more than you want God, but is God's nature not that of want?  The whole history of man and God is one of God wanting to talk to us, to be with us, to want us to need him.  Even when we are most successful it's not perfect.  If God's love is limitless, is not his want for us to be with him the same.  That want was not a flaw.  It was something he put in us.  A hunger.  A need for fulfillment that will only be satiated in death and rebirth with him.  He was lonely when he created us.  God was lonely.  If God is perfect and he was lonely, then loneliness can't be a sin.  Longing, can't be, so long as is doesn't destroy you or others.
That's where we as people haven't gotten it right.  To accept the longing and go on with life.  It consumes, destroys.  That's where the sin is.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Today is a day for vapor trails...

Wow.  So...note to self.  Apparently me and steroids don't mix at all.  They make me crazier.

Goodbye Michelle

I watched the last episode of "Is This It?" and wept when Jake lost Michelle.  I just miss the people.  They were great to work with and it can be easy to miss people.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Love in a time of madness...

So with 6 films to shoot before the end of the year I find myself having a lot of trouble just relaxing.  I know I talk about it...lots, but I love love.  I love the feeling.  I love the butterflies.  I love dreams about someone.  Kisses.  Hugs.
I think the hardest thing for me to deal with is expressing it sometimes.  Not so much to people who know, but people who don't.  Or maybe people who know who just don't prioritize like I do.
I do tend, these days, to dream of people.  And in these dreams, though some are so similar, people I care about are cads, villains and fiends.  Why?  I suppose so I can feel better about not admitting to certain things.
For example, I dreamt two very good guy friends were trying to sleep with me over a bet to see who could sleep with the most women.  Would either of them do this?  I hope not.  But still I have found it difficult to think of them as men as nice as they are.
I am in love world, and in like.  There are so many hands my hand is aching to hold.  Now if only I could bite the bullet and tell a few of them.
I do find it funny.  Most guys who think I like them, are actually way off.  I may be the queen of obvious, but apparently I can't express the right attraction to the right person.  Or maybe they can't read anything.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Positivity!

Wow!  Almost mid-august already!  Lots of filming to do in September.  Too bad most of it is a lot of driving for no money.  Oh well.  Least I get it for my reel and the footage should be AWESOME!

I give up. After years of avoiding I am going to make the attempt on California.  Am I scared?  Totally. California is very expensive.  Am I excited?  More so than I am scared thankfully.  I have a few good friends and a lot of good connections and some great acquaintances out there.

Going to go there in December with a good friend for a visit. He also has given up on possibly not going to give California and the dream life a shot.  He's a good guy and hopefully won't mind me almost tearing his arm from it's socket when the plane takes off.

To bad there are so many expensive things I need to get first:
1)New Computer
2)Hair Extensions
3)Insanity(the workout video)
4)Health Insurance
5)Dentist Appointment
6)Dermatologist Appointment
7)Bar School

Not to mention rent.

Most importantly I suppose is a doctor's appointment since I seem to be suffering from MAJOR brain fog.  It's debilitating.  I am afraid I will drop a tray at the restaurant or cut off my finger at the fabric shop.  So it's to the Doctor for me.  Hopefully working 12 hours a day will mean enough money to keep going and get through the crazy life I hope to lead.

It's hard going but I am used to being worked to near exhaustion.  Here's to at least half a year of being over worked and slightly under paid.  Hope it all works out.  Hate that I might have to take a day or two off to get better but if I can I can keep working through the madness.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Throwing stones at a Chick-fil-a

When Jesus judged people, he was not unkind.  He was polite.  If the judgement did not sit right with them, he only spoke the truth and walked away.
When Rosa Parks was told to move for a white woman and she didn't.  She was facing injustice.  She didn't tell the folks on the bus to go respectively self fornicate.  She was polite in her refusal.
A group of young men sit in a drugstore for their rights as people.  They did not curse the people who were there or call them stupid or bigoted.  Nor did they pity them.  They simply sat.
Where is all this hate coming from LGTB.  You keep touting how much better you are and how cruelly you are treated.  But today, when people stood up for something you turned and spat in the face of your "oppressors".  Does this make you better.  No.  It makes you bullies.  All this hating on people who bought Chick-fil-a today.  "I hope you die."  How cruel and unloving.  You are doing the exact thing you claim is being done to you.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Anarchy and Love

I have always fallen in love so easily and so hard, almost to be point of being vengeful in certain cases. Yes, the last boyfriend I had I might very well love for the rest of my life, if nothing else, just to piss him off.  It's not that I don't naturally love people.  Some might just call it agressive.

I am far more tolerant of the actions of other than I am of my own.  For example, if I do something stupid (even if I laugh at it) I am kicking myself inside more than you can imagine.  While if someone else does the same stupid thing I may let it go.  I hold myself to a higher standard than that of other people.  I expect more of me than I do of the average person.

Why?  Well in a large part the masses are sheep blinded by idealism of total equality which cannot exist unless we as people were totally equal...which we can never be because we weren't designed that way. The human body is designed or has evolved or was left here by aliens with the capacity to many things, but I will never be an Olympic athlete, or a contortionist, or a trillionaire (unless I find one).  I can only do what I can do physically and mentally.  I will never be equal to another person.  I make up for my shortcomings with determination and the knowledge that if I screw up royally I won't do it again.  I don't except others to be like me in that respect.

And for others if they choose a certain behavior and are fully aware of the consequences and still choose the behavior, I say, go for it man.

I don't see why, if I think in that way, that people get so mad at me for my opinion.  So angry, in fact, that they misuse the term intolerant.  To tolerate, according to Webster, originally meant to experience, undergo, or sustain, as pain or hardship.  I tolerate people just fine.  Just because I disagree with you doesn't make me intolerant.  It means I have an opinion.  I don't agree with homosexuality and am anti gay marriage.  No one I know who is gay, or lesbian, or bi, or transgender, or hermaphroditic would ever know that because I am happy when they are happy and will happily set them up with another person of alternate sexuality, because everyone needs to be happy.  I do not think less of them as a person, nor do I "preach" at them and tell them they are going to hell.  However, I cannot, in good faith, let them get married.  In fact, I think all state sanctioned unions for the purpose of taxes, should be civil unions.  A marriage is a blessed relationship from whatever deity in whatever religion you decide to worship.  Biblically it's wrong.  The bible says homosexual on several occasions and lists it as a sin or wicked.  While I never look at a person and see everything they are doing wrong, I am allowed to dislike a behavior and expect more from myself.  Just like my friends sometimes look at my exes and wonder what on earth I was thinking.  I look at their sexuality and think the same thing.

I look at things from a different POV.  The guy who went into the movie theater and killed 13 people was an idiot with a weapon.  The police were fortunate to be dealing with a toddler with a copy of the anarchists cook book.

A few truths for the masses out there:
1)CPR is a great tool.  However, it's not like on HOUSE or ER where people do CPR and almost everyone is revived.  In fact, odds are, even if you do CPR you won't get them back.  While the statistics are getting better and it is still important, don't expect them to come back.
2)The police are like a paper towel.  You never seem to have them around until there is an accident.  Cops are not there to save you, they are there to scrape your carcass off the road, wall, ceiling,  or automobile.  Not saying they don't hope to make it.  But when the guy with a gun breaks down your front door they aren't always just going to run away like in the commercials.  Be able and willing to protect yourself.
3)Anything is a weapon if used right.  This computer is a weapon.  My cellphone, weapon.  My mail, a weapon.  Honestly, if it's used right a spoon is lethal.  Don't think knives and guns are the only way to kill people.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Something I have noticed and it kinda ticks me off...

I see so many sheep today.  Political sheep.  Religious sheep.  Social Sheep.  All thinking that they haven't been brainwashed.  Well Baa-Ram-Ewe Mutha Truckers!  It's quite ridiculous.

Lets start off with guns.  One moron with a gun runs in with tear gas and shoots the place up and what do we want to control?!  Guns!  A gun sitting alone is not a weapon, it is not until you load it and fire it that it becomes a weapon.  I want to know how many people were in that theater.  A hundred?  And withe Wounded 58 and killed 13?  That just tells me the shooter, though obviously committing premeditated murder, had no aim what-so-ever.  The folks who survived with wounds and especially those who were not harmed are very lucky the guy was such a horrible shot.  And who do they blame? The Tea Party?  Really?  While not a member myself I have been to both occupy and tea party rallies and I find the occupy folks to be far more volatile and angry.  So now the government screams gun control.  Seriously?  Lets take guns from those who need them for protection and make them even harder to get.  That's a bit like trying to get rid of obesity by taking cookies off the shelves in health food stores.  It won't do any good.  They will just find them in other places.  When man runs out of guns, he will kill them with knives.  When he runs out of knives, he will kill them with clubs.  When he runs out of clubs, he will kill them with sticks.  When he runs out of sticks he will smother them with the earth.  People are sick and capable of doing horrible things.  No matter what weapon you take away if someone wants to kill you, they will do it with their bare hands.  I don't believe it when they say the only person who can stop rape is the rapist.  I can stop them, by shooting them in the head.

Women are not empowered.  Ladies, I have seen the weakness in you all.  And in myself.  Somewhere in our brains we get this strange idea that we gain power over men with sex.  Well I am here to tell you that is not true, unless you currently have someone inside you.  While he is there, you have the power.  Before and afterwards, he has it.  Why?  Because only he knows if he is going to leave you afterwards. I see so many women who just sleep with anything that moves.  They sleep with their ex boyfriends because they think the power of sex will bring them back.  And for those of you who have gotten past that, I hope you are on birth control.  I have no pity for women who get pregnant at the wrong time.  It is called being responsible.  If you drink poison you might get sick.  If you drink too much you might get drunk.  If you eat the cookie you might gain weight.  If you have sex, no matter the caution, you might get pregnant.  Guess what, when you ate the cookie, you accepted what it would do to your body.  When you have sex you accept the fact you might have a baby. And I am sorry for you poor girls who are in a bad way and couldn't take care of a baby.  Guess what?  Tough shit.  Take responsibility for your own actions for once in your prissy little life and tough out the nine months.  You don't have to keep the baby once it's born.  And what about rape and the trauma of getting pregnant from that?  I am sorry you had to go through that.  But what you are saying is because this terrible thing happened to me I am going to make another terrible thing happen to another person who the government says doesn't matter.  Well guess what?  By the time you realize you are pregnant (unless you are one of those women who instinctively knows the very second it happens) the thing in your belly you are so terrified of has a heartbeat, is breathing, eating, has a mouth, fingernails, toes, lungs, a brain and can feel pain. According to medicine someone is live when they are responsive, breathing, and have a pulse.  TADA you people who have had abortions, you are accessories to murder.

I have it figured out.  According to the pro-abortion folk a baby is only a life when the parents want it.  And I weep for your heartlessness.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

More insomniac musings...

Things to strive for in the coming months:
1)I need to be a better Christian tomorrow than I was today...because goodness knows I will fail today, and tomorrow, but I do want to fail less at it.
2)I need to stop finding myself attracted to men who are already taken.  There are enough men in the world to go round for the most part and I never did find myself in the position until more recently.
3)I need to take better care of me.
4)I need to be more selfish and actually worry about me.
5)Blog more often!

Now that the crazy mind is out of the way.  GOODMORNING VIETNAM!  *wait...what do you mean we aren't...oh!*

I have way too much filming to do over the next few months and nowhere near the fundng necessary to do it.  Hopefully something good will happen and I will ind job number 5 or other job number 5 will actually say I am fired so I can move on...like I am already attempting to.

Of course there are promotions for Is This It? to work with, please watch...if nothing else...if you happen to have once dated me...perhaps you would like to see me run over by a car.  LOL!

 There is not much of value to say at this mad hour so let me just run down the films...or basics of the films I will be shooting over the next few months...

First off I am doing a short film called My Face in Myrtle Beach, SC.  Looking forward to it.  Got a pal on board playing opposite me which will be awesome.  This will be early September.  Please, if you read this and want to help out you can go to Indie-go-go...My Face.  No nudity, but hey...good acting!  Help the director get the funds to pay his actors.

Late September we have Zombie Fried Chicken. YAY Louis!  I get to shoot Zombies while wearing combat gear.  Really, who could ask for anything more?

Sometime in the mix I will be filming Prodigy.  A superhero type TV show Pilot where I get to totally rock out.  (Reminder..have a Distraction party to go to as well)

After that I will be playing Josette, a french prostitute, who may not be all she seems, in Les Fleur Du Mal.

I might also be doing some stuff for a few other productions.  Busy, Busy.  Need to vacate in there somewheres.

Strange Poem

I knew the spider before it came on me
Quiet and poison to my very soul
And yet I only stared as it devoured me

Friday, May 25, 2012

Apocalypse Live!

Epilogue
It was too late already.  In a small wooded area, below the fall leaves, the air itself began to slowly thicken into a faint cellophane.  The coagulate spread out in a lethargic sheet towards the sky and crept unhurriedly towards the atmosphere, it’s edges curving in a wide arc to the south.  The initiating event was unrecognizable to anyone, even those who knew what was happening.  Not even the animals stirred at the blip on the screen of existence.  Had anyone been looking they wouldn’t have noticed the slow change, so imperceptible, as it was, it might have been taken as an invisible warm breath on a cold day.  This was how the end started.  It crept into existence with laborious sloth and yawned at the sky.
It took three months for the first subtle signs of a change to become tangible.  A slight shadow might appear out of the corner of the eye and then vanish when it came into focus.  A trick of the light mixed with an overactive imagination.  The air was a little stale for a moment, or perhaps it was a bad memory forcing it’s way up the nostrils.  Passing through the filmy air, time would bend, slow, and speed at random intervals.  It would take two decades for anyone to suspect anything.
Had mankind known, it wouldn’t have mattered, so it’s better this way.
1.
It’s the end of the World Charlie Brown
The air was colder than usual for early August, but still warmer than the summer had been.  It had been a colder than average summer, including the strange blizzard in the middle of July.  The snow had piled three feet deep overnight.
The whole area had become a bustling hub of activity all summer long.  Geologists dragged millions of dollars in equipment to search for magnetic and geological anomalies, nothing.  Meteorologists thought it was gasses and air pressure, they left scratching their heads.  Religious leaders and paranormal investigators hounded the area to find spiritual activities, everything was inconclusive.
Environmentalists blamed global warming.
That’s silly, Evan thought.  If it was warming wouldn’t we be sweating ourselves to death?  He pulled out his down coat and trudged down to the nearest coffee shop.  No driving today, the snow was too deep for even the plows to make it through and it would only get deeper as it poured from an only slightly cloudy sky.
Evan looked up, shielding his eyes, to see the sun beaming through the clouds.  It was strange to feel the hot summer sun on his acne scarred face while his ears froze in record low temperatures.  His long brown hair stiffened into a permanent ponytail as he walked.
The streets were empty now.  Only a few dared to go outside in the awkward weather, and only for a few feet in case they wouldn’t get back in their houses.
 He saw the open sign on the front door and his legs kicked up snow as he sped along.  He placed a hand on the ice covered glass door.  Warm coffee awaited him on the other side of the door.  A slight push and it swung open, heat pouring out like furnace.  It was welcome.
Once coffee was in hand he sat at a table far from the cold windows.  Alone with this thoughts.
Did he remember to leave the window unlocked?
Last time Evan went out for coffee the door to his apartment had frozen shut and he had to break the window and slide his big-boned frame through the tiny window.  Thankfully, the cardboard sealing the cold air from his warm home was flimsy and taped in place, it wouldn’t be hard to push in and tear.
Stupid landlord was going to take forever replacing the glass.  The heating bill would be astronomical.  Perhaps he should just fix it himself?

Somewhere, in the blizzard, Alex trudged down the street with her reusable grocery bag.  Her knit hat, complete with cat ears, slowly froze to her head.  Brooks had better appreciate this, she thought through her chattering teeth.
Tri-mittened hands clamping tightly on the handle she tried to take shallow breaths.  It burned to breath in too deeply.  The Gray scarf that had once tightly covered her mouth had fallen down around her neck and she was now sucking in the frigid air.
Out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of the coffee shop sign.  A cup of coffee from the Green Bean sure would feel great about now.  She slowed down and looked at the warm “open” sign.  The red glow was beautiful.
She quickly noticed her plump frame in the glass and frowned, sticking her tongue out.  Tiny nose, tiny mouth, tiny all over mostly…why couldn’t she have been thin as well?
Evan laughed in spite of himself and swallowed the last dredge of sugary coffee syrup before standing and walking back into the cold.  8:00 am.  This weather had to stop sometime.
A red blur, with cat ears ran by him.
Alex?  She always wears that stupid hat.  Evan thought of stopping her a moment and walking her home.  Not that anything bad would happen today.  Thinking better of it he watched her walk away.
And then a thought tickled the back of his mind.  The thought wasn’t even an image that he could recollect but somehow it caused a noticeable blush to run from the tips of his toes all the way up his body to the top of his head.  The warmth was welcome but the bright red on his face was not.  Feet planted, he stood trying to concentrate on what his subconscious was telling him.
“Hey!”  An authoritative voice jerked him from his thoughts.  “You gotta go.  Hey!  Buddy?  You on something?!”
“Yeah,” Evan shook off as he swam out of the soup of his thoughts.  ”No!  Sorry!”
“You have been standing here for fifteen minutes buddy, staring in the same direction.  Either move on or go back inside.  It’s freezing out here.”
No way it has been fifteen minutes.  Evan looked at his watch.  It is now…8:17!  With a nod, and promise he was not on drugs, Evan ran down the street.  Won’t be late, can’t be late.
Between the panic, confusion, and speed he slipped.  Overcompensating for the forward motion he kicked back and his heels flew towards the sky while his head and back leaped into the air and began their painful descent.  Time stopped.  He knew the impact was coming.  This is gonna hurt.
The ground took longer to find him than he expected.  BAM!  He hit the ice and snow.  The pain was coming, he could feel it.  Any moment now.  Another moment, no?  Then a slight sting in the back and it was gone.  The Policeman laughed from where he stood, and Evan could only blush once again ashis brain was nudged by another thought.  He turned and walked quickly from where the Policeman called after him.
“Slow down Charlie Brown!  It’s not the end of the world.”

2.
Rayne, Sleet and Snow
Rayne peeked through her mess of blonde hair at her bloodshot blue eyes.  She hadn’t been feeling well at all today.  The blistering headache had forced her out of work for a second day in a row.  Not that it was going to be a big deal; who was going to work in this weather?
Her thin fingers found her temples and dug in to relieve the pressure.  So much pain from what appeared to be nothing.  Sleep was next to impossible with all the weird dreams, and the infection that appeared to be spreading into her mouth was making it hard to eat.
Gotta get to the doctor.  She promised herself she would when should could muster the energy later that night.
Opening her mouth wide she peered inside.  Just above her eye-teeth was a red swelling.  Smiling at herself she noticed an almost vampiric grin. Rayne drew back and hissed at the reflection.  It made her laugh, something she hadn’t done in days between the blinding pressure in her skull and lack of sleep.  Oh, how it hurt to laugh.
Gotta get to the doctor today.  No buses.  No cabs.  No cars.  A two-mile walk to Moses-Cone feeling like death didn’t seem like a great option.  Could call 9-1-1? No insurance, though.  The exercise would do her good.
Rayne began the process of layering up.  Stockings, leggings, yoga pants, slim jeans, regular jeans, snow pants.  Crap!   She forgot the socks and there was no way to keep the cold out if she didn’t keep things in order.  Off with everything!  Snow pants, regular jeans, slim jeans, yoga pants…  By the time she was down to her leggings the exhaustion hit and she collapsed onto her bed.
Why all the pain?!  After a brief tantrum and flailing feet, she rolled onto her side, trying to cut out the noise of her neighbors shouting all around her.  They had always been such easy neighbors, but now – no matter how kindly she asked – they would not be quiet.  What’s worse, they claimed to not have spoken a word.  Liars.
Rayne threw a pillow over her face.  Maybe I could smother myself to death?  
“Where is all this snow coming from?!”  Michelle, the girl who lived to her right, screamed at the top of her lungs.  Michelle lived alone.  Why was she shouting?
Rayne launched the nearest hard object at the wall.
Michelle screamed and swore on the other side of the wall. “What was that?!”
Swallowing a pill, shoving earplugs into her ears, and clamping a pillow around her head, Rayne kicked her blankets over her back and closed her eyes with an aggravated groan.  Sleep!  Sleep!  Sleep!  Rest…you need to.  The chanting did nothing to alleviate the din.

Brooks knew Alex would be freezing when she got home, and promised not to turn the thermostat down below seventy.  But why?  He was on fire.    He’d always had a high internal body temperature but this was ridiculous, the poorly constructed tent on the back porch was proof of that.  That’s where he’d been sleeping for the past two weeks since anything over forty degrees was blistering heat to him now.
This was becoming too much, but there was nothing he could do.  A perfect bill of health from every doctor he’d been able to see was no help for his night sweats, and his relations with Alex were becoming strained.
Now his hands dug deep into the snow and piled heaps of the white powder onto his fuzzy scalp.  In the cold his swim trunks were freezing solid, and it was glorious.  Snow shoveled into his ears, his nose, mouth, eyes.  The relief was invigorating and he wept at the comfort.
The familiar sound of crunching snow and boots on stairs reached his ears.  Alex was home.
“I’m in the back!”  He called out to her, hoping she’d hear before she stepped through the front door.  The front door closed.  One more quick roll in the snow and he could stand the indoors again.
When he stood up Alex was staring at him through the window.  Her breath fogged the glass.  She smiled and drew a heart in the condensation.  Brooks’s body heat fogged the other side and he traced her heart in the glass.
Alex giggled like a child and slid the door open for Brooks to step in, and inside he went.

    “DANG IT!  What is wrong with me?!”  The exclamation ripped Rayne from her dead sleep and launched her onto the floor.  Sprawled on the carpet, half dazed, Rayne listened to the lament.
The neighbors were going to get a piece of her mind this time.  She ran out and banged hard on Michelle’s door.  No answer.  She banged harder.  Nothing.
“Michelle!  Keep it down!”  She jiggled the knob and the door swung open freely.  “Michelle?”  No one replied.  Great, now I’m hearing things.
With a roll of her eyes she exited and returned to her apartment, searching for the source of the noise.  Outside!  With the last of her energy, Rayne pried her window open and stuck her head into the frigid elements.  Snow rained down from her third floor apartment into the street below.
Straining to see, she found the only inhabitant of the street.  A lone figure trampled through the snow at sloth-like speed.  Pick up a foot, set it down, pick up the other, set it down.  This was motion.  Whoever it was was talking to himself at ridiculously loud levels.
“Hey!”  Rayne shouted to the huddled mass.  This did not stop the monologue.
“Who is that?!  Who is shouting at me?”
“Up here.”
“Up where?”  Evan looked up at her.  Rayne felt a strange tickle on the back of her brain that made her blush.  She hoped he’d think it was her being sick.  Evan flashed a smile and then stared at her for a second before dropping his head and averting his eyes by staring into the street.
“Oh Hi!  How are you?”
“Not good.  You?”
“Cold.”  There was a pause.  “What does it look like crazy freak?”  Rayne bit her tongue and calmly replied.
“There’s no need to be nasty.”  Evan stared at her, slightly confused.
Didn’t mean to be.”

Rayne’s eyes went wide and her head shook, ”I’m sick.”
“Sorry,” Evan sighed.  Her face was bright red from fever.  The window frame supported her wobbly frame.  Her mouth was moving but nothing came out.  The bricks comprising the building seemed to move.  Life went into soft focus and the tickle on his brain brushed harder and he felt the full body blush coming over him.
“Evan!”  She shook him back to reality.  “You wanna come up?”  The thought had entered his mind, but he really didn’t feel like climbing the slick steps to the front door.  The promise of warmth in the bitter cold was too much temptation.
“Uh-huh.”  He mumbled.  While something else entirely echoed in his mind.
“Hold your horses.  Just trying to get you out of the cold.  It’s not that kind of invitation!”  He didn’t recall being overtly excited.  The blush rushed in again and he shook it off.  Must be getting sick.  
He plowed through the snow and felt the first step with his foot.  Wiggling his foot he found the top and shifted his weight onto the first step.  He kicked into the snow, found the top of the next step, wiggled his foot into place and shifted his weight again.  And so it went for the ten steps to the apartment door.
Rayne opened the door…
“Hi!  Nice to see…”
And walked quickly back up the stairs to her apartment, apparently leaving the door open due to the lack of latch on metal.  Crazy, rude…!
“I heard that,” she screamed from her apartment.  “Why is everyone shouting today?  Gone deaf?”  The door was definitely open.
“Nice to see you too!”  Evan peeled his coat off and hung it on a nail dug deep into the wood paneling.  No use getting snow and sludge on the carpet.  He kicked off his shoes and walked upstairs, carefully.
The thin purple carpet was fraying under the excessive use.  Nails caught on his socks.  The lights were dim at best.  Confetti littered the top step.  The apartment really felt more like a dorm than a place that adults should reside.
That was Rayne.  An eternal child, hoping and dreaming.
Evan pressed her door open and stepped inside, shutting it as he walked in.
Rayne was pouring a cup of tea in such a state of concentration he didn’t dare beg her attention.  She scooped out sugar and stirred intensely.  Should he sit on the couch or stand and wait to be offered?
“For crying out loud take a seat!  It’s not like you’re a stranger.”  Startled, he stumbled into the nearest chair.  I wasn’t sure if it was ok.
“Yeah, yeah.”  She mumbled a phrase or two.
You must be sick.
“Do I look that bad?”  Rayne’s hand tried to smooth her unruly hair down.
Do you want the truth?  Rayne turned and swallowed hard, apparently insulted.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”  She opened the cupboard above her head.  “Want one?”
“Sure,” Evan gritted his teeth in a smile.  Stop being so hard to deal with.  It was eight months ago.
Rayne turned and walked towards him, holding the steaming cup in her hand.  Her eyes were wide and unblinking.  “Something is really wrong.  I’m going crazy.”
You’re telling me, he thought to himself.  Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.  But then again…  His thought paused.  Rayne’s mouth opened in an eternal gasp and a squeak of fear came out.  What are you looking at?  Then her fingers slipped, and down fell his tea.
Evan watched it as it slipped silently through the air.  He could count the individual amber droplets that scattered from the scalding mass.  Time slowed til he felt as if he could walk over and pluck the falling ceramic from the air and catch everything without spilling a drop, and yet he found himself inevitably glued to his seat.
Time slowed even further when the mug shattered and he watched as the individual pieces scattered in all directions, yet he knew exactly where they were going.  It was almost poetic.  He had become so entranced he didn’t notice as Rayne flopped to the ground in the sticky mess.  She might have actually bounced once or twice.
Probably should have caught her.  Another voice in his head seemed to answer him,”Yeah, you should have.  Jerk!”

3.
There Wolf
Brooks couldn’t take it anymore. The heat. The nauseating heat. He had long since flung his blankets onto Alex, who accepted them and nestled closer into her tight nest of warmth and comfort. Brooks perspired.
It was that moment Alex pressed tightly against him, fully asleep. She was so tired from her day of work and the walk back home. Her body heat seemed to draw into him. It was smothering.
With all the stealth of a ninja with Parkinson's, Brooks flung himself out of bed, onto the cooler floor. The thud at the bottom, from his knee hitting the floor, echoed loudly. He lay frozen on his stomach, like prey in the presence of a predator.
The heat from the shag carpet was almost as unbearable as being under the blankets. Oh the sweltering heat. He had to escape the furnace. It was only five feet to the bedroom door and ten feet to the backdoor and outdoors where the sweet sub-zero temperatures awaited him.
“Don’t wake up,” he whispered. The silence answered him.
He stood up and tip-toed out and shut the door behind him. He sprang for the back door. With concern for the sleeping Alex, he opened the sliding glass door and shut it behind him.
The snow had stopped hours ago leaving heaps of white powder over everything. The cold rushed in on him like a frozen lover. It was wonderful, until he saw his make-shift shelter had collapsed under the weight of the snow. He’d spent several nights on a towel under that shelter. The cold was fine but he couldn’t sleep wet. Now he’d have to rebuild it.
Thankfully he had left the shovel on the porch, however the snow had piled up over the tool and he’d have to get it out from under almost three feet of snow. Great! Now to dig it out.
“Ha, dig out a shovel,” Brooks mumbled. The handle peeked from the mound of ice and powder. He’d left it out there all day, what did he expect? As if he could free the instrument in one pull he gripped the handle with two hands and, using all his weight and force, jerked towards the sky.
The instrument slipped out from it’s frozen, tightly packed, prison easily, throwing snow everywhere and nearly flinging Brooks into the glass door. He caught himself, with the aid of his newly acquired wood and steel appendage, just before his head might have plunged through the glass.
“Must have been more snow than anything,” he mumbled and went straight into work.
The moon shone through the crisp clear night sky and cast shadows on the landscape. Brooks watched this shadow slowly grow longer through his work. It was easy, quite possibly too easy. In less than two hours he had his tarp shelter unearthed and in another hour it was set up again and he laid under it, comfortable in the frigid temperatures.
Brooks had given himself a full view of the bright full moon as it went across the night sky. As he watched it the moon seemed seemed to stretch and warp into an, ever so slightly, oblong shape, he’d never noticed it before. It wouldn’t have been noticeable if he hadn’t been staring so intently.
Blinking, the moon returned to it’s normal shape. Brooks must have been exhausted and seeing things. His eyes grew heavy, and as sleep finally crept upon him he swore the moon turned into a muddy hue and dimmed.

Rayne’s eyes opened and then slammed shut. Her head throbbed worse than ever now. Even the light from her reading lamp was blinding and caused her brain to quiver. Her left arm was pinned under her body, limp and lifeless. She squinted against the light and scanned the room. He left me here, she thought to herself. Stupid jerk left me here on the floor.
Oh thank God she’s not dead. Evan leaned over her, concerned. “Are you ok?” He placed a gentle hand on her back.
Pain shot through Rayne’s entire being and escaped as a groan. “Too bright in here.”
Evan stood and began turning off lights, “Don’t ever do that to me again.” Thought I had lost you there a second and I can’t handle that.
Rayne pressed her right arm into the ground and with all her might, ground the heel of her hand into the ground to roll onto her back. The blood rushing back to her, now freed, arm washed over like a storm of broken glass. Her very marrow quaked in agony.  The pain made her chest hurt. Why does my chest hurt? Why is it so cold in here?
Evan switched off the last light, leaving only the dim glow of street light streaming through her window. You scared me there a minute.
“I scared you,” Rayne forced a laugh. The pain stabbed her left side, just near her heart, taking her breath away. A paralysis gripped her as she tried to catch her breath.
Evan knelt next to her, “It’s okay. Just relax. Breath normally.”
“You breath normally!” Rayne had never had a temper, but she had one now. “Why does my chest hurt?”
“You might have a cracked rib.”
“Why would I have a cracked rib?” She managed to lift her right arm to the source of the pain, as if prodding it would make her feel better.
Her hand met bare skin. This wasn’t right. Her bathrobe was still on, but now it was soaked through with tea. Had the pain really made her this numb to the sopping wet mass she was rolling in. Hadn’t her robe been tied before? Where was her thermal or her t-shirt? Why was she exposed from the waist up?
“The Ambulance is going to take a while in this weather?” Evan tried to coax her. You passed out? Remember?
Rayne found the torn edge of her thermal and t-shirt and sat up straight. “What happened?”
You passed out, remember? The voice was Evan’s, but twisted and perverted.  A sick image twisted in shadows in front of her eyes, like a trick of the light.
Rayne’s hand flew and connected with a violent thud. The flesh molded to the shape of her clenched fist. Cheek bones clicked against her knuckles, not entirely protected from the assault by flesh and fat. Tendons stretched to avoid snapping his neck and Evan’s head flew to one side, followed quickly by his body. Slowly his large figure twisted and contorted in space. His feet lifted from the ground. In the blink of an eye, he went crashing into Rayne’s wall.
“You sick pervert!” Rayne spat the words out. “What did you think you were doing?”
“God bless!” Evan grabbed his jaw in actual pain, “CPR.”
“Why the hell would I need CPR?!”
“You stopped breathing.” You crazy, mixed up, wack-job!
“And you had to tear my clothes off?!”
“Yes. You passed out. I put you in bed. You stopped breathing. I pulled you onto the floor. Called 9-1-1. Did CPR until you woke up and bit me.”
“Bit you?!”
Evan held up a hand, tightly bandaged, and still weeping blood, “bit me.” Rayne blushed in embarrassment, noticing a strange taste in her mouth. “You wouldn’t let me touch you after that so I just waited.”
Quickly closing her robe and tying it tightly, Rayne laid down on her bed. “I'm so sorry!"  CPR.  Se would have had to have been dead, literally.  "Sorry. I guess I am just sick. This crud is making me crazy. I’m seeing things.”
“Hopefully EMS will be here soon,” Evan clutched his wounded hand. “Any rabies I should know about?”
“No.” Rayne held in the laugh while Evan peered out her window down the street.
“Hopefully only a few more minutes.” He paused and looked at her, “Why did you pass out?”
“I thought I was going crazy.”
“We know that,” he laughed, “but why are you going crazy?”
“I thought I heard you talking to me. But you weren’t talking.”
“Like a voice in your head?”
“I saw you looking at me, but I heard you saying things. I guess I am hearing things. What causes that?” Evan sat down next to her and looked into her face feeling her forehead.
“You’re sick and you have a fever. Your brain is just tired.” Rayne smiled into Evan’s
gentle face. And you’re losing your mind you sexy little psycho.
Rayne heard his voice. It was Evan’s. The kind and concerned smile looked into her eyes. Rayne felt her eyes get bigger and she swallowed a scream. The black enveloped her and she was out again.

There was a snap, a tear, and the sudden smothering feeling. Brooks felt the weighted cold pile on top of him. It was like drowning in chocolate. A moment of bliss until the terror reached his brain. He began clawing at the wondrous cold, crying out for Alex.
“Brooks! Baby! Hold on!” Alex flung the door open, bundled from head to toe.
When Brooks had stepped out she found herself in desperate need of warmth. With the heat at a scorching 90 and her body wrapped in layers she expected to be warm. Instead she froze. The house was an oven where she couldn’t get warm.
Her thrice mittened hands went numb with the first contact with the snow. She couldn’t feel her feet. The scarf over her mouth didn’t keep the raging cold from tearing the inside of her lungs. She took shallow breaths and dug quickly.
Brooks found a hole and poked his head from the ice cage he found himself in. “Alex!”
“I’ll get you out,” Alex reassured Brooks’s exposed head.
Brooks breathed in the burning cold and sighed, “It’s ok! I’ll be fine. It just scared me.” Alex couldn’t hold back the tears. “Baby don’t cry.”
“I can’t help it,” Alex sniffed. “I told you it’s dangerous to sleep out here!” Brooks easily lifted himself from the snow and wrapped his arms around Alex. She shuddered at his cold skin.
“Go inside and get warm. I’ll cool down and try to sleep near the window.” A firm kiss on Alex’s forehead sent her shuffling inside. The heat clicked off and Brooks knew Alex was going to wrap herself in layers of blankets to keep warm. Now to start the process of cooling off. Brooks stuck his bare hand deep into the snow to find the t-shirt he had been wearing. He fished through the icy mess, warping his fingers to fit into tiny areas.
His eyes suddenly glanced at something. Browned by oxygen or time, there was a bloody foot print planted deeply into the railing on his porch, just barely out of reach. “How did I miss that,” he muttered to himself.
Brooks waded through his, once comfortable, camping spot, and peered at the print. Body heat had caused the snow to ice around the print and now congealed blood rested in the bottom of the impression.
It appeared almost human. It was human. It had to be. Five toes splayed out and balanced on the balls of the foot. The heel jerked upwards but was defined in the snow. Someone was running on their toes and apparently bleeding.
Brooks noticed something in the bottom of the pool. With a delicate hand he fished it from the bloody mess. The opaque, calcified film dripped gore. A toe nail. Brooks dropped it like a hot coal. The bloodied mess flew off the balcony and down into the snow, two stories below.
A set of bloody foot and hand prints led to his balcony. It hadn’t occurred to him that he was on the second floor. There was no way a person suffering from arterial bleeding just jumped that high. But the only print seemed to be the one on the balcony railing.
A strange howl ripped through the air. The thought that raced through Brooks’s brain was ludicrous.
A fearful giggle jumped from his mouth, ”werewolf!” He laughed to himself and walked out the front door to investigate. “This is so Scooby Doo!”

“Come on!” Evan applied more pressure to the gaping wound and wrapped it quickly. It didn’t hurt, it just wouldn’t stop bleeding. The blood soaked rag souring next to him was actually the second bandage. Now he was on his third. With a grunt he tightened the bandage. “That’ll have to do.”
He pulled a plastic shopping bag from Rayne’s cupboard and dropped the bloody mess in it and tied the top. No use creating a hazard.
Flashing blue and red lights were a welcome reflection off the wood paneling. Evan flung the window open and stuck his head into the cold.
“What took you guys so long?! I could have walked to you faster than that.” Evan shouted from Rayne’s window at the paramedic jumping out of the truck.
“Why didn’t you,” Josh asked, pretending to flip his blond hair. His long limbs were plumped by his thick coat to ten times their normal size.
“Nice coat,” Evan remarked sarcastically.
“Thanks. Tim says it brings out my baby blue eyes!” Tim’s middle finger protruded out of the truck quickly. Josh smiled and put on a serious face. “But seriously, why didn’t you walk?”
“I am not dragging dead weight through this snow,” Evan sighed. “Plus she can be a fighter. You’re only two miles away.”
Tim climbed out of the truck. “You try driving one of these through snow and ice three feet deep! We have to go around buried cars.” His short frame, brown hair, and brown eyes were in humorous contradiction to Josh’s fair features. “So she bit you! How deep?”
Evan thrust his hand out the window. Blood dripped through the bandage and fell into the white snow.
Tim cursed and pulled another bag out of the ambulance, “Josh can take care of Rayne. I’ll stitch you up.” Josh nimbly jumped the snowy stairs and walked through the front door. Tim, had a little more trouble as he slowly found his footing and climbed.
The footsteps were heavy up the wooden steps and in no time Josh burst through the door, “So how is she doing?” He made his way across Rayne’s small room in a matter of steps and opened his emergency bag.
“I don’t know. I don’t dare touch her,” Evan winced at the thought of her digging her teeth into the fleshy part of his hand.
“She seems okay,” Josh said, tapping her shoulders and shouting in her ear. “Rayne?! You with us?”
“Just let her sleep man,” Evan groaned. “She’s sick enough as it is.”
“How long has she been like this?”
“Since I got here. She passes out, stops breathing, and loses her pulse. I try CPR, she comes back and bites me. She passed out again and has stopped breathing once or twice.”
“A history of sleep apnea?” Josh asked.
“I don’t know,” Evan said, shaking his head.
“You dated for a year and...”
Evan cut Josh off quickly. “I don’t know if this is normal for her. We never slept together literally or figuratively.”
“No wonder you’re mad,” Josh giggled in his girlish fashion.
Tim banged his bag against the door frame as he walked in. “Let’s take a look at your hand.”

Something wasn’t right outside. Brooks had been standing on the steps leading to his front door like a frightened twelve year old, wielding a flashlight, for twenty minutes.
The air smelled funny, stagnant, like even the wind couldn’t filter the stench. Five years in the same area, and now, suddenly Brooks realized there was a faint displeasing odor that clung to his skin. It was revolting and he hadn’t noticed it until just now. But what was it.
Shaking the cold off he took a few deep breaths and ran down to the bottom of the steps. His feet hit the bottom and with a similar drunken ninja stealth, he slid along the edge of the foundation and to the back.
There were the footprints in the snow. He took a step out, leaving a hand pressed firmly on the wall. He let go of the wall for a moment, but a chill ran through his body, forcing him to grab onto the safety of the wall.
He shone his flashlight onto the bloodied imprints in the snow. They looked human. from twenty feet away. He’d have to get a closer look. Mustering his courage he ripped his hand from the wall and walked to the bloodied prints.
Shining his flashlight into the snow he saw the blood. Another toenail jutted from the pink and brown pools, and Brooks could only stare.
One print looked different from another, as if someone with different feet had taken each step. The pressure, was all the same though. Not that Brooks knew to observe this. He was merely fascinated by this natural anomaly.
At this moment his flashlight decided to shut off, “Stupid batteries!” Brooks banged on the side of the flashlight. He didn’t know why, this is just what you do in situations like this.
The light exploded into the darkness aimed at support holding his balcony up. There, etched into the the wood, were deep gashes. Whatever it was hadn’t had enough momentum to jump from the ground to the balcony above and was forced to dig it’s nails and bloodied hands deep into the wood, carving huge gashes into the wood and splintering it from the force as it launched itself onto the railing. Gore soaked deep into the wood and dripped down to the ground.
That’s why the snow had buried him so quickly. That was the snap.
“Werewolf,” Brooks tried to laugh. His throat went dry and he found himself rushing towards the bricks and sliding along the edge of the house. “Tomorrow I can look at the damage,” he coaxed.

STOP IT! The tube running from her mouth to her lungs made it impossible to make a sound and the ventilator pumped air into her lungs painfully. Someone help me! I’m drowning! There was a blurry vision pressing on her chest. The full body prickles let her know she could move.
With a quick snap she slammed her foot into the blurry assailant and sat up, ripping the tube from her throat. She gagged as the plastic slipped painfully past her vocal chords on it’s way out her taped mouth.
The air that entered her spasming lungs was violently sanitary. Her chest hurt again and now the wave of pain slammed into the weakened frame. It took all her strength to throw her head over the side of the gurney so she could vomit uncontrollably into the floor.
“It’s ok,” Josh’s familiar voice coaxed. You’re okay. You can seriously pack a punch. “Just breath normally, in and out.” Slow down, you’re going to pass out again. I am not shoving a tube down your mouth again. You might take my hand off. Rayne’s arm found Josh’s shoulder. Groaning and straining she pulled the dead weight of her limp body to look into Josh’s face. Josh’s eyes looked into hers with anticipation. What is it? What’s wrong? “Do you know where you are?”
“Shut up will you!” The bile surged back into her mouth and Rayne aimed for Josh’s shirt.  Vomit surged between lips that smirked with satisfaction at the sloppy slosh signaling impact.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Thoughts through insomnia at 1 AM

I truly miss filming Is This It?  I miss crashing on a floor with a few good friends.  I miss the conversations and the stupid pranks and calling Allen names.  I miss Michelle.  She was like all the best parts of me.  She really did love Jake, a lot, hope she will rise like a phoenix from the ashes.  Sometimes it is hard to disconnect and boy has she been a hard one to keep down.  I will miss her when she is entirely gone.
Great cast and crew to work with Joanna Maye(Andrea), Allen Andrews(Jake), James McCray(James), Daniel Gonzalez(Fearless Leader), 

One more week of being Stella in A Street Car Named Desire.  I will miss her.  She's so amazing and wonderful.  I can't believe the amazing talent I get to work with: Betsy Henderson(Blanche), Jason Sharpe(Stanley), Jason Peck(Mitch), Mary Page(Eunice), Miles Snow(Steve), George Kaiser(Pablo), Doug, Nick Regina, and Page.  It's all too good and wonderful.  If you haven't checked it out yet, please do.  It's great!

Monday starts Boeing Boeing with Hot Summer Nights at the Kennedy and with no break in between I hope I can keep up the momentum.  It takes a lot out of you.  I will be Gretchen.  After that I will hopefully be shooting Les Fleur Du Mal Very quickly and if not I will be looking for the random theater work I love so.

On a more personal note.  I had to continue to laugh, at myself mostly.  I love kisses.  Real kisses.  In my life, of my top five kisses, all but one have been by Jason(s), and of the plural J's, none of them have ever called me girlfriend.  So odd isn't it?  Oh I have probably loved them in some way, but we were never a real couple.  Which is funny, because as a name, I really am not partial to Jason.  I prefer Jay.  I remember 5th grade.  Jay Benfield, oh I had the biggest crush on him.  They seem to be my lot in life.  It's odd, on an average day in my life I always have at least 3 Jason(s) I am keeping in contact with.  Odd isn't it? 

I can make it one more month and then I am in definite need of rest.

Friday, April 27, 2012

I'm not a starving artist. I have a high metabolism.

Do not assume that if someone is thin they are starving themselves.  Some of us have what is know as a high metabolism.  We can eat whatever we want and do not gain weight.  I eat A lot, big fan of it actually.  Thank you!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Confessions of a G-list Actress:I can't...I have rehearsal!

As of Friday, April 13th, my life is not my own.  Today, I slept through my alarm and had the girl who is sleeping on my floor not said anything I would have easily slept the entire day away.  But as of the 13th, my life is going to be madness.  Abandon all Sanity, Ye who enter here.
As always we start with the film shoot.  Is this it.  Great show!  Fun Cast!  Can't wait until we are done and the series is up online on May 5th.
To save some cash, Allen and I spend the night camping on the beach.  We get there late on the 13th and rather than just staying with the director we decide to rough it and drive to Carolina Beach.  At the very north end is a state park where you can drive your 4 wheel drive vehicle for a fee or put up a tent.  Allen hefts a massive tent down the beach and we manage to get it up in the dark, thanks to a couple who was right next to us offering us a lantern.  We walk to the bar and have a drink, walk to the end of the pier and it is already 11:00pm.  Close out the tab and walk back to the tent to climb under some blankets and spend and entire night trying to get warm.  You wouldn't think it would get REALLY COLD at the beach, but it was freezing and I barely slept while I tried to huddle in a mass of blanket and sleeping bag under a beautiful night sky.
We get up, dust the sand off, drive to Director Dan's house and shower before I climb into my clothes and we go through yet another weekend of filming.  This finishes season 2 in record time.
Also I have to drive down to South Carolina and film Distraction, a TV pilot.  I have almost no lines and drive 4 hours for no money.  On the positive side I do have the hope that a specific production group, who shall remain nameless, will pick up the series and I will have a major role as well as a permanent job.  Actoring.  Being paid well.  Two of my favorite things.    The atmosphere of a pilot episode set can be very stressful, mostly because it is so strictly scheduled.  You have to do a great job in hopes that the show is picked up, and even more important, you get to maintain your role.  Lets be honest, if they do pick it up they could replace you with a bigger name.  You don't want that to happen.
I am playing a police officer in a small town.  I get there 30 minutes early, well over the mandatory 15.  (When working on films you are always at least 15 minutes early)  When I get there it is around ninety degrees and I am sweating.  Then it really gets hot when the crew get there.  I am given my costume and I run upstairs to pull on black pants, bullet proof vest, shirt and under-belt.  I then go downstairs where they put on my badge, gun (yes it was real), pepper spray, taser, handcuffs, nightstick, and radio.  I am now in an extra fifteen pounds of armor and weaponry.  I feel awesome.  We quickly step outside and are given lines and the guy playing our leads runs by.  We say them quickly.  Cut, do it again.  The second time he trips.  We try not to laugh.  Oh it's hard.  One more time.  Cut, switch angles, film again.  This goes on for about two hours in the heat.  Then we get to step in, rehydrate, and eat while the lead is being "beaten" by a large man.
You can't help but sit back and watch in excitement, until the break is over and we have to tear the big man off the poor kid...several times...for the camera.
On top of my filming schedule I am also rehearsing for a great Tennesee Williams piece, A Street Car Named Desire.  I know what you're thinking.  No I am not Blanche.  I am STELLA!  Yes, in my mind, every time someone says it I hear Brando.  So every day after work I am driving from Greensboro, NC to Raleigh, NC to work in a freezing cold room.
Theater people are from a very different planet from film people.  It's quite refreshing.  I am giddy with excitement.  We sit and talk about all the little character choices, read through three acts of dialogue, block.  You don't get to see what the set is like because at the start it is just tape on the floor.  Here is your dresser.  Here is your bed.  This chair is going to be your refrigerator for right now.  You don't question, you just go with it.
The last scene we rehearsed is the one everyone remembers.  I love rehearsing the famous scene where Stanley is standing at the bottom of the steps crying for Stella.  Howling at the moon as it were.  I can't contain a huge grin because I only have action, and I love just moving.   I don't entirely know what's going to happen.  I watch Jason, who is playing Stanley, walk past the taped area marked "bathroom" and into the area designated bedroom.  He looks frantic.  I cover my mouth to hide the fact I am theater geeking out here.  It's amazing to watch.  He has a few words with Mary (Eunice) and she throws a binder on a table to signal she just slammed the door.  He starts calling out, Stella. Time to go.
Everything goes soft focus and totally clear at the same time.  Stell-.  That's my name.  I step onto the "landing" and Stanley stares at me from the bottom of the stairs.  I know those blue eyes.  I have seen them a million times.  First step down and I am wondering if he has really calmed down.  By the third step that feeling is gone and I don't know if I should run to him or stand, so I just saunter to the bottom step.  He stares at me a moment and falls to his knees, grabbing my waist and burying his face into my stomach.  It's alright Stan.  I'll neer leave you baby.  I almost cry myself, but I hold it back and just hold him.  He stands, kisses me.  Wow he's strong.  He picks me up, twirls me around, takes a deep breath...
...And holds up his script to read the lines he hasn't memorized yet.  I nearly laugh at the jolt back to reality, because going from totally in the moment to even a little out of it can be REALLY jarring, and I take him through the "door" into the "house" and the director stops us.  I shake it off and we read through it again.
Welcome to my world.  It's crazy, mixed up, and I love it.  Catch you when I can breath again.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Confessions of a G-List Actress:Day 2 Indie Webseries

After a nearly sleepless night between Allen (my co-star), and Leigh (the friend I brought with me) and Nikita (my dog) we get up at 6 am for another day of shooting.  Oddly enough, sleeping in a bed with strangers is not a new thing to me.  You get used to it after a while and end up loving the odd sleepovers and having the chance to get to know the people you are working with.  For only having about 4 hours of sleep I feel like I have slept more than enough and am ready to face the day.  But I am not on the shooting dock until 10 am.  Hmm, what could I possibly do with my time?
I am at the beach, after all.
Is This It? Poster
I drive with Leigh to grab a bite and we go to the beach.  I was sixteen the last time I went to Wrightsville Beach, NC.  Twelve years later it hasn't changed much, except for one thing: every public access parking area is now paid, and it's $2 per hour to park.  Seriously Wrightsville?  $2 an hour?  So we drive up and down to both ends of the beach in search of free parking, which does not exist.  I guess from now on I will park in a shopping area and walk the mile to the beach, because the extra mile is still cheaper than $2 an hour.  We park and spend $2 to park and go to the beach.  Leigh is going to use her new boogie board and I am going to enjoy a little reading in the sun for the hour I have left.  Nikita is leashed and barking at seagulls, dogs, and people.  She has no desire to walk along the sand.  Honestly, I don't either.  The sun feels grand.
45 minutes later I pack up my things and leave Leigh on the beach.  She says the 5 hours in the sun will do her good.  Nikita is packed into the car and I drive to the location, a coffee shop.  They are finishing up a scene and Allen is trying to keep his eyes open in the sun.  For an added bit of fun we place Nikita on a table and she is Allen's date, and we film it.  I meet Joanne, my sister for the shoot.  Funny enough I am actually 28 and she is 24 and I am the younger sister in this scenario.  How did this happen?  I won't complain too long.  YES! I CAN PASS FOR EARLY TWENTIES!  I also meet Angela, who plays Sam, my "new boyfriends" ex.
We pack up and all drive downtown to the boardwalk.  On the way, I admit, I am trying to put on my make-up and read lines and drive.  I pull on my clothes in the middle of the street and walk to the location, thinking I am going to have to remember five more pages of lines.  I was wrong.
We get there and now the sun is overhead.  We take a few promo shots, my favorite of which is a picture of me holding Allen's leg and Joanne (who is playing my older sister) holding his arm.  He is the rope in this crazy tug of war.  It's fun.  We shoot a quick shot of Allen and I seeing one another for the first time and then we split into teams.
Since this is an independent gig we don't have the budget to close down the downtown district of Wilmington and shoot with no sound.  That is probably my favorite way to shoot.  But hey, you have to do what you have to do.  There are ways to cut out certain noises.  The problem with those certain noises is they have to be consistent.  For example, if there is a low consistent hum, they can get rid of the low hum.  If a motorcycle drives by or a car honks or a dog barks, that is a noise that is very difficult to get rid of on post.  So there we are, downtown, me walking my dog who is barking at every dog she thinks she can take on, motorcycles driving by, and cars honking at the two pretty girls walking down the street towards a camera on a dolly.
City streets were not made for camera dollies and, without an expensive or home-made rig, you have to take things really slowly so the camera doesn't jostle over the bumps.  Not that we aren't walking slowly enough.  I swear we are nearly standing still.  You can't walk quickly on camera.  It just doesn't work.  You won't catch any of the action and it will look like you are running towards the camera.
I notice this one gentleman starts repeatedly walking his dog around the block to get into the shot.  A group of frat boys waits until we start filming to start hooting at Joanne and me as we walk down the street.  Every time Nikita barks at another person I start screaming, "Kill, KUJO!"
Lines are altered and switched and added.  The guys come and observe since they finish first.  And after a few hours I find myself driving back to the beach to pick Leigh up and head back to the Director's house to get some food.  I lay on the back of my car for some sun in my bathing suit.  I hate tanning beds and tend to get very red when in them, but it's getting to be summer and I need some sun on my bleached skin.  I eat a sandwich on the back of my car while Leigh holds onto Nikita and reads a script.   Allen, Joanne and I chat until the director gets back to the house.
We had missed a scene before and shot that quickly.  Two rehearsals, one shot, and we're done.  I find the clothes I was wearing the day before trying to get ready to shoot the rest of the scene we shot.  They smell terrible.  I had been sweating in them for three hours the day before.  Joanne enters in a lovely outfit and we get through the shot quickly.
Now I must make a point that I was trained in the theater.  No!  Acting for screen and for the stage are not the same.  They are totally different.  If I were to perform for a camera like I would onstage, it would look absolutely ridiculous; on the reverse if I were onstage performing as I would on film, you wouldn't know what was going on.  They are separate animals.  I have been a character actor for years and so I am very physical with my performances on stage.  This means I am willing to perform to an extreme most people are very embarrassed to consider on stage and on film, so a director can always tell me to take it down a notch and I will be happy to do it.
That being said when I am given the direction to be that drunk girl at the party my first response is to say, "please specify which drunk girl?"  So I am now supposed to be the goofy and friendly drunk girl at the party.  I am on the couch with my "sister", chatting, and being as "drunk" as I possibly can be.  I start chatting and James walks over and sits between us, offering Joanne a beer first.  As a response, I start to whimper. When he hands me a beer I lean comfortably against him.  There is a giggle and the shot is ruined.  Blooper reel!  Set up again.  Cut to three hours later and it has become so ridiculous that people can't get through their lines and we still haven't gotten a shot.  I have been putting my feet over my head, holding bottles in my feet, rubbing James face with both feet and hands.  I climb over top of James who is sitting in between Joanne and I, laying across the both of them picking up a beer bottle in my teeth and start drinking the contents.  Joanne laughs and finally Dan calls out, "We have got to get through this."
Figuring I would save us some time I toned it down a little and we are able to get through scene a few times.  And I am wrapped.  Not quite wanting to leave I figured I would stay and watch the last scene or two after I manage to get everything packed up.  I say goodbye to everyone.  We are wrapped for season 1.
I drive home through a terrible storm, get home and crash on my bed.  Exhausted.  I can't wait til the next weekend of shooting.