Confessions of a G-List Actress: Fear at 36000 Feet
I watched Flight for the first time last night. Yup, it might be even longer before I fly again.
My dad once told me I was the bravest person he knew because I was willing to fly. I never have been a fan of flying itself. It's unnatural. I know according to statistics it is the safest form of travel. I won't get into the fact that if there were more planes in the sky that statistic would change and statistics are kinda made up numbers anyways. Yada yada yada. Yes sometimes I have to but you'd be surprised at how much I dislike it. Alot of celebrities do.
Let me tell you exactly how terrified I am. On arrival, I am excited for my destination. I keep reminding myself I want to go where I am going. BADLY. I have, in fact, spent the money on the ticket. Bags checked, weighed and good to go. And let's be honest, plane tickets aren't cheap. Around the time I am stepping through the xray-scanning-TSA-traffic-jam I tell myself, just another flight, you have done this before. From the time I step out and grab my carry on this is the tone in my head amidst the praying. Yes the praying is very sincere and honest because I am horrendously terrified and that is the only way I get through the flight is talking to God the whole way...and myself.
Ok. Past the point of no return. Good. You got this. You can do this. You have done this before. You have a hand to hold. There is soda and food on the plane. You can plug in a movie and relax the whole way. This time you are going to relax through a flight. This is going to happen. Maybe I should get rosetta stone and learn a new language as we plummet to the earth. So many things I haven't done. I never won an oscar. I never back packed across Europe. I never kissed a total stranger in a french cafe on a rainy day in spring. Wow that's poetic. If only it wasn't true.
Oh look a magazine stand. Maybe I should grab a soda? See you are so relaxed you can even think to get a soda before trying to get on the plane. Maybe I should get a snack. I am kinda hungry. No. Don't want my last meal to be chex mix. Oh the clerk sees you. Make a choice. Don't make eye contact. You can't let them know you are crying yet. You got this. Nothing to cry about. No big. Wait! How long is it til it gets here? Ten minutes? They are late aren't they? Forty minutes? If a plane is late is there trouble? Don't listen to Tommy. Things can go wrong but it's alright. You brought your hand to hold.
Not like a hand to hold will do much good slamming at 500 miles an hour into the ground. You won't feel a thing. Don't be silly everything is fine. It's not like there is a plane crash every day.
Wait when was the last one? They always step up their maintenance just after a major accident. Two weeks? A month? Well, just trust them today. No big. What's the worst that can happen. Besides if you are going to die they do give you oxygen. Knowing your luck you will breath normally and won't get the high. Okay, so if the bags do drop from the ceiling you need to hyperventilate.
You really are morbid you know that. Once you are at altitude you are fine. And you have always loved the view once you got to the cruising altitude so you don't want to sleep the whole flight. The biggest problems happen on takeoff and landing and you have never had a problem with landing. Which seems unnatural since planes are specifically designed to climb in altitude. In fact, the act of landing is the pilot asking the plane to do something it was not designed to do. Should have gone to the doctor for a valium or something. Stupid! Now I am going to be nervous.
Can't let anyone know. You'll be fine. They wouldn't do this if it was dangerous. Are you stupid? Of course they would let you fly if it was dangerous. They let people jump out of perfectly good airplanes. And people still fly helicopters and there are only two types of helicopters. Those that have crashed and those that haven't yet.
I wish I knew how to fly. Then at least I'd be in control when things went bad. Look at those two pilots drinking at the bar. They seem calm. Is that one or five? How drunk is he? Did he stumble when he stood up? No. Ok. Haha. Need to relax. No way he's heading to my...why is that pilot walking towards my terminal? Why is he stopping in my terminal? Why is he shaking hands with the pilot who just left the plane in my terminal? Why is he walking into the plane in my terminal? How many drinks was that? Seriously! Do you have to blow a certain blood alcohol amount into a valve in the plane to get it to crank up?
I am going to die. Still haven't been married. I haven't been scuba diving. I haven't been to Jamaica. Why am I so worried about places I can't get to except by plane? Who is going to take care of Nikita? I hope mom and dad know to give her to Tommy. Should I have left a will? Are you sweating? Yup. I am sweating. Oh it just went into my navel. You have got to calm down.
Line...look at all the lovely people in line. Oh there's a newborn. Who brings an infant on a plane? They wouldn't let an infant go on a plane. Maybe this isn't your day to die. Shut up and quit rationalizing this process. It's ok.
When are they going to say my number? Hurry up! Did they just say my number? No rush or...any...thing. Ok. Line, line...remain calm and don't run. Don't run. Did they just make a joke. Laugh. Yes that was funny. Joke don't let them know you are terrified. Ok. That plane looks really small. I mean REALLY SMALL. Is that safe? Are the wings supposed to look like that? Does it look a little dated to you? Hey he dropped something! Is that important? Mister earmuff man?! Was that...?
Into the void. Ok...cold air. How can this air be so cold and how can I be sweating so much? You're laughing at this aren't you? I would be laughing at this too. It'll be fine. The worry isn't so much about the crash at the end it's the terror before the sudden stop. I really just don't want to be terrified before I die. I know I really don't have a choice, but that is the thing. Death in my sleep, ok.
As long as I don't know it's coming. Longest two minutes of your life.
Seriously. They do know they are just strapping rockets to a cigarette box right? I am going to kill Tommy. I will murder him. I was okay with this until those two flights.
Step onto the plane. There are people waiting to get on. I have to pee. Will I be able to pee before we take off? What if we take off while I am in the bathroom and the plane falls apart? How close is my seat? Half way? Maybe I should wait. Someone else take the window please. No I don't want the window. TAKE THE STUPID WINDOW!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANT THE WINDOW. STOP BEING POLITE. YOU KNOW I AM PETRIFIED HERE STOP ASKING ME TO TAKE THE--window.
Whew...ok middle of the aisle. And I really need to pee. Pee. Pee. Pee. Wash hands. Pull on another shirt. Try to relax. Back to seat. Can I leave? Pull on sunglasses. Strap in. Don't read the plastic paper. Don't read the...stop reading...stop...too late. You've read it. Ok...you gotta get out of here. You'll just say you are going to...did the plane just move? Too late to leave. Can't jump plane now. That would be a serious fall. You'd break something. Why did that scene from final destination come into your head? Stop it. You have your hand to hold. Obviously they are grossed out by the sweating. They can deal.
Ok. Back on the horse....back on the horse...back on the horse...I hate Paris in the spring time...I
hate Paris in the fall...I hate Paris in the summer when it sizzles...I hate Paris in the winter when it drizzles. I hate Paris...oh why, oh why do I hate Paris? Because my love is there-...with his slut girlfriend. HAHA. Why am I not sitting next to Kevin Klein in a sound studio right now? Why does everything I want to do involve me getting on a plane?
No I have no interest in watching take off and I will not be taking my glasses off until we reach altitude. Yes I am crying.
OK...OK...OK...OK....rumble....no...no...noo....NONONONONO...get me off I don't wanna Idon'twannaIdon'twanna...we're off the ground. We're falling...we're falling...we're falling...NO I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK OUTSIDE! Tell me a joke. I need a joke. Something to take my mind off the drop...The drop is about to...AHHHHH! HATE THAT! Is it supposed to be that loud? Is the gear supposed to make that noise. Ok, flight attendants are not panicked so I shouldn't be panicked. They are starting service. It's ok. Seatbelt sign is off. Alright we're good. We're good....we're...what was that? Did the plane move? No...yes a soda would be lovely. My hand hurts. Sorry. Going to just pop to the bathroom. You are all so calm. Ok. Everything is fine. And the view really is....ok the plane dropped! What was that?! Can't move. Occupied bathroom. Gotta wait.
And this is what has to be dealt with when I am having a good flying day. This is the internal monologue driving me crazy.
Why do I ever do it? Because how else would I get to see things? Most places I want to see are only accessible by boat or plane and boats take too long. And it always seems to be worth the agony and racing heart. Sometimes things are just so beautiful and wonderful when I get where I am going. It truly is magnificent.
So amidst my terror I will always find my way into the plane. Into my seat. And find a hand to hold, even if it's a strangers. How else will I see the world?
My dad once told me I was the bravest person he knew because I was willing to fly. I never have been a fan of flying itself. It's unnatural. I know according to statistics it is the safest form of travel. I won't get into the fact that if there were more planes in the sky that statistic would change and statistics are kinda made up numbers anyways. Yada yada yada. Yes sometimes I have to but you'd be surprised at how much I dislike it. Alot of celebrities do.
Let me tell you exactly how terrified I am. On arrival, I am excited for my destination. I keep reminding myself I want to go where I am going. BADLY. I have, in fact, spent the money on the ticket. Bags checked, weighed and good to go. And let's be honest, plane tickets aren't cheap. Around the time I am stepping through the xray-scanning-TSA-traffic-jam I tell myself, just another flight, you have done this before. From the time I step out and grab my carry on this is the tone in my head amidst the praying. Yes the praying is very sincere and honest because I am horrendously terrified and that is the only way I get through the flight is talking to God the whole way...and myself.Ok. Past the point of no return. Good. You got this. You can do this. You have done this before. You have a hand to hold. There is soda and food on the plane. You can plug in a movie and relax the whole way. This time you are going to relax through a flight. This is going to happen. Maybe I should get rosetta stone and learn a new language as we plummet to the earth. So many things I haven't done. I never won an oscar. I never back packed across Europe. I never kissed a total stranger in a french cafe on a rainy day in spring. Wow that's poetic. If only it wasn't true.
Oh look a magazine stand. Maybe I should grab a soda? See you are so relaxed you can even think to get a soda before trying to get on the plane. Maybe I should get a snack. I am kinda hungry. No. Don't want my last meal to be chex mix. Oh the clerk sees you. Make a choice. Don't make eye contact. You can't let them know you are crying yet. You got this. Nothing to cry about. No big. Wait! How long is it til it gets here? Ten minutes? They are late aren't they? Forty minutes? If a plane is late is there trouble? Don't listen to Tommy. Things can go wrong but it's alright. You brought your hand to hold.
Wait when was the last one? They always step up their maintenance just after a major accident. Two weeks? A month? Well, just trust them today. No big. What's the worst that can happen. Besides if you are going to die they do give you oxygen. Knowing your luck you will breath normally and won't get the high. Okay, so if the bags do drop from the ceiling you need to hyperventilate.
You really are morbid you know that. Once you are at altitude you are fine. And you have always loved the view once you got to the cruising altitude so you don't want to sleep the whole flight. The biggest problems happen on takeoff and landing and you have never had a problem with landing. Which seems unnatural since planes are specifically designed to climb in altitude. In fact, the act of landing is the pilot asking the plane to do something it was not designed to do. Should have gone to the doctor for a valium or something. Stupid! Now I am going to be nervous.
Can't let anyone know. You'll be fine. They wouldn't do this if it was dangerous. Are you stupid? Of course they would let you fly if it was dangerous. They let people jump out of perfectly good airplanes. And people still fly helicopters and there are only two types of helicopters. Those that have crashed and those that haven't yet.
I wish I knew how to fly. Then at least I'd be in control when things went bad. Look at those two pilots drinking at the bar. They seem calm. Is that one or five? How drunk is he? Did he stumble when he stood up? No. Ok. Haha. Need to relax. No way he's heading to my...why is that pilot walking towards my terminal? Why is he stopping in my terminal? Why is he shaking hands with the pilot who just left the plane in my terminal? Why is he walking into the plane in my terminal? How many drinks was that? Seriously! Do you have to blow a certain blood alcohol amount into a valve in the plane to get it to crank up?
I am going to die. Still haven't been married. I haven't been scuba diving. I haven't been to Jamaica. Why am I so worried about places I can't get to except by plane? Who is going to take care of Nikita? I hope mom and dad know to give her to Tommy. Should I have left a will? Are you sweating? Yup. I am sweating. Oh it just went into my navel. You have got to calm down.Line...look at all the lovely people in line. Oh there's a newborn. Who brings an infant on a plane? They wouldn't let an infant go on a plane. Maybe this isn't your day to die. Shut up and quit rationalizing this process. It's ok.
When are they going to say my number? Hurry up! Did they just say my number? No rush or...any...thing. Ok. Line, line...remain calm and don't run. Don't run. Did they just make a joke. Laugh. Yes that was funny. Joke don't let them know you are terrified. Ok. That plane looks really small. I mean REALLY SMALL. Is that safe? Are the wings supposed to look like that? Does it look a little dated to you? Hey he dropped something! Is that important? Mister earmuff man?! Was that...?
Into the void. Ok...cold air. How can this air be so cold and how can I be sweating so much? You're laughing at this aren't you? I would be laughing at this too. It'll be fine. The worry isn't so much about the crash at the end it's the terror before the sudden stop. I really just don't want to be terrified before I die. I know I really don't have a choice, but that is the thing. Death in my sleep, ok.
Seriously. They do know they are just strapping rockets to a cigarette box right? I am going to kill Tommy. I will murder him. I was okay with this until those two flights.
Step onto the plane. There are people waiting to get on. I have to pee. Will I be able to pee before we take off? What if we take off while I am in the bathroom and the plane falls apart? How close is my seat? Half way? Maybe I should wait. Someone else take the window please. No I don't want the window. TAKE THE STUPID WINDOW!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANT THE WINDOW. STOP BEING POLITE. YOU KNOW I AM PETRIFIED HERE STOP ASKING ME TO TAKE THE--window.
Whew...ok middle of the aisle. And I really need to pee. Pee. Pee. Pee. Wash hands. Pull on another shirt. Try to relax. Back to seat. Can I leave? Pull on sunglasses. Strap in. Don't read the plastic paper. Don't read the...stop reading...stop...too late. You've read it. Ok...you gotta get out of here. You'll just say you are going to...did the plane just move? Too late to leave. Can't jump plane now. That would be a serious fall. You'd break something. Why did that scene from final destination come into your head? Stop it. You have your hand to hold. Obviously they are grossed out by the sweating. They can deal.
Ok. Back on the horse....back on the horse...back on the horse...I hate Paris in the spring time...I
No I have no interest in watching take off and I will not be taking my glasses off until we reach altitude. Yes I am crying.
OK...OK...OK...OK....rumble....no...no...noo....NONONONONO...get me off I don't wanna Idon'twannaIdon'twanna...we're off the ground. We're falling...we're falling...we're falling...NO I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK OUTSIDE! Tell me a joke. I need a joke. Something to take my mind off the drop...The drop is about to...AHHHHH! HATE THAT! Is it supposed to be that loud? Is the gear supposed to make that noise. Ok, flight attendants are not panicked so I shouldn't be panicked. They are starting service. It's ok. Seatbelt sign is off. Alright we're good. We're good....we're...what was that? Did the plane move? No...yes a soda would be lovely. My hand hurts. Sorry. Going to just pop to the bathroom. You are all so calm. Ok. Everything is fine. And the view really is....ok the plane dropped! What was that?! Can't move. Occupied bathroom. Gotta wait.
And this is what has to be dealt with when I am having a good flying day. This is the internal monologue driving me crazy.Why do I ever do it? Because how else would I get to see things? Most places I want to see are only accessible by boat or plane and boats take too long. And it always seems to be worth the agony and racing heart. Sometimes things are just so beautiful and wonderful when I get where I am going. It truly is magnificent.
So amidst my terror I will always find my way into the plane. Into my seat. And find a hand to hold, even if it's a strangers. How else will I see the world?
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